Finally, a break… and a breakdown
After a great night out with friends last night I came home and immediately melted down. It seems counter intuitive, but I think I just didn’t want to feel so abnormal after feeling so good for a few hours. I got it in my head that I needed my heartrate monitor band and I just couldn’t get over it. It was totally irrational and I knew it, but I just couldn’t get over it.
Today closed out a week of constant pushing to get this program completed for FP. It felt like the more I pushed to get it done, the harder it would push to not be done. We just kept finding issue after issue. It felt completely impossible.Finally, I got my sign-off at 1:30 today and all of a sudden I was lost. It wasn’t that I didn’t have things to do but nothing so urgent. I also knew i needed to take some time to take care of myself and rest. I can’t tell you how horrible resting feels after being so focused and working so hard for so long. I felt useless and depression definitely set in quickly.
Resting also gave me an opportunity to listen to my body and realize how different it felt. That was difficult as well because I can’t tell what hurts because I’m pushing it and what hurts because my body is not being used like it was before. I can’t figure out why the muscles in my left side are so tight even though I can’t use that leg. My IT band is tender to the touch and I’m sure I have an MCL tear. Also, my back is still twitchy and tight and I have a ton of cricks in my neck from not sleeping on my stomach. I feel like I’m getting used to a new body and it causes a feeling of helplessness. I realized that I wont really know how many problems I will have to work through until I’m actually able to try bearing weight. I just want to move on to the next phase of this and I’m not good at waiting.