The View from 58-inches High

I’m home sick today because last night I almost vomited and felt sick to my stomach all night. I tossed and turned and only got a few hours sleep. Even though I know it’s a legitimate sick day, I still feel guilty. I’m trying to work from home but don’t feel very motivated because I’m tired and I still feel pretty ill.

Lately I’ve turned into a big pity-party. This last week, our self evaluations were due. These things always make me feel but this time it came right after getting off short term disability so I wasn’t feeling that I had really contributed or hit my deadlines very well. I didn’t mention my accident anywhere because I don’t believe in excuses but the whole time I’m thinking “I got hit by a fucking truck!!”.

I’ve also been feeling down about my progress. We’re approaching Christmas and I definitely had high hopes for traveling. It looks like I will not be walking at all and will still be on crutches. I can’t carry my own baggage so we’ll have to pay to check my bags. Last weekend I thought things were feeling pretty good and my PT had plans for me to try walking on Monday. I got over confident and went on the “Christmas Tree Lighting Stroll” with Jessica. I knew when I talked to her I wouldn’t be able to keep up. I couldn’t use the crutches because they are too clunky and people run into them. It had to be cane or nothing. I told her I would be too slow and I should have known to just say no. She swore it wouldn’t be a problem because we were talking about a “stroll”. Even strolling was about twice as fast as I was capable of. When I went into the PT appointment on Monday, my leg was still very irritated and tender from over using it. They had to remove 45lbs of weight before I even started to walk without pain. I came home very discouraged.

For Christmas all I want is my life back. I miss the simple things like putting dishes away, walking to get hot chocolate, walking my dogs, and of course riding my bike. Every day I am faces with more and more things that I can’t do and I don’t know when I will be able to do them. I have been able to keep my eyes towards my accomplishments until now. Now all I can see is my limitations.