Saying Goodbye
 Dear Fozzy,
You gave me so many happy times and, yet, with each one was a sadness that someday I would have to let you go. As the years went by, I knew we were coming closer and closer to that day. When we came home from the vet that Tuesday afternoon I was completely empty. I knew that you were in pain and letting you go was the right decision but I couldn’t face my life without you. I never knew what a void you filled.
That night I cried endlessly. I hated waking up and not having your face in mine; reminding me it was time for puppy breakfast. My life moved forward, even when I was not with it. I went to work and I rode my bike but my heart was not in it. My heart was with you. Those first days I had a crisis at work and escaped into my work like a drug. I was ashamed at how much I tried not to think about you but remembering brought so much pain and tears.
After a few days, the pain subsided and felt myself healing. Healing is a curious thing. It feels much like forgetting and I began to worry that I was forgetting you and all the years of joy you brought me. I found myself flipping through photos of you and trying to remember all the memorable stories, all the things that were uniquely Fozzy, and even how your head would stretch up when I scratched under your chin in that way you loved.
I wonder what you thought those last days. I wonder if you really wanted relief in the way we project on to you. I wonder if you knew how painful letting you go was for us and I wonder if it made you feel sad. I wonder if you were scared.
I hated that I couldn’t tell you how amazing you were and how much you meant to us. You were not an easy dog at times but we always made it work. All I could do was pet you and feed you and hope.
Love,
Mom