The View from 58-inches High

Friday I went in to have a small lump on my food looked at. I’ve had it for almost 5-years and haven’t done anything about it. I went into this appointment expecting to have it checked out and schedule surgery for, hmm, December maybe. Something right before Christmas will work for me. I was not prepared for the surgeon to schedule me for surgery 4-days later. Apparently they worry about cancer with these kinds of things and they take that pretty seriously. I was not prepared at all to be out of commission for any length of time so I schedule the surgery with local only. This is a big deal! I am terrified of needles and the thought of things cutting my skin.

Now I can take pain and I’m a pretty brave person but I was making sounds like a wounded animal before they even stuck the first needle in. The next 25 minutes were a mix of me making faces like I smelled some wicked back fart and letting out the occasional whimper. They kept telling me “It won’t hurt but you’ll feel pressure”. I had no idea what this meant. What they should say is “it won’t hurt but you’ll know exactly what we’re doing”. You can feel the skin pull and tug with everything they do and it’s essentially a play by play. I could tell when the first incision was made, when the cyst was cut out, and when the sutures were being put in.

Then I got bandaged. This is where it gets odd. I got bandaged like I lost a foot. I must have 15-feet of gauze on my foot, looped in a crazy 8-pattern 10 times then covered in another 5-feet of that sticky bandage stuff I use on my dogs. Finally, I got a special shoe that prevents my foot from bending. After all that, he tells me I have 3-whole stitches… THREE!!! What would they do if I had needed 20-stitches? I’d probably be bedridden.

The sad thing is I’m sure that my insurance paid somewhere around $350 for gauze, and ace bandage, and a plastic shoe. Ten-years ago, they would have slapped a band-aid on 3-stitches and sent me on my way. The best, though, is that I have to wear this overkill for 10-days. Seriously people?