The View from 58-inches High

Well what an odd couple of days it’s been. Sitting here in an empty house, it’s difficult to me to put myself in the emotional state I was in three days ago or even two days ago. The worst is that it always seems like the bad emotions last so much longer than the good. For the most part I consider myself an even-keel emotional person so a swing in either direction is pretty strange. The week definitely had me swinging.

Driveways had gotten really hard. I just wasn’t performing as well as I would like. I was trying to take all the advice Kate had given (and trust me, there was a ton of it) but I still wasn’t finishing well. I was really starting to get down on myself. I knew Matrix was coming up and was hoping for a chance to do really well against ladies who were supposedly my same level. It would be the most telling race before Tulsa and I was nervous.

Since it rained on the Driveway races Thursday, I took my bike to MJs to have it cleaned and readied. Really, I wanted to bring it to Matrix and part of that is a clean bike. While I was picking up my bike I saw Scott; who had broken his wrist in a crash with me on the second night of the Driveway. I was happy to see he was feeling better and went to over to talk to him. We talked pleasantries and recovery for a good 10min or so before most of the folks around us dispersed. Once it was just he and myself he asks me if there’s anybody I can talk to about bike handling. The way he worded it I honestly didn’t even think he meant for me. I’m thinking clinics or whatever for somebody he knows. When it finally hits me I can’t respond with anything more than “You mean other than all my teammates”?

Then he starts in about how I can’t handle my bike. How I’ve had issues for a while. I look around too much and can’t hold a straight line. For whatever reason, this killed me. I stood there for a good 5-min listening to his criticisms and trying to give mostly honest feedback without starting an argument. It was all I could do to not start crying right there. I held my chin up, kept my eyes dry, made eye contact and told how much I really appreciated him brining this to me. I walked out and got around the block before tears started to well up in my eyes.

It wasn’t what he said so much as how he said it and the meaning I took from it. You see, all last year we would talk about our races together and never once did he think to bring up what a terrible racer I was. He also made statements like “I know you spend a lot of money on your equipment, you should invest in your skills” like this is some sort of hobby I just afford to do well at, and “You need to be more patient and not try to get in the mix so quickly” while my teammates are telling me I’m letting things gap and not fighting hard enough for wheels. What I took away from the conversation was “You’re a chick and you don’t belong in our race”. I cried on and off for the whole afternoon and night. It was irrational but I could not get over it and was sure it would affect my results at Matrix.

So now skip forward to Matrix. I got to Dallas Saturday night and had dinner with the girls. I wasn’t really nervous but I wasn’t sure I would podium. I tried not to over think it (like I usually do). We went to bed around 10:00 and pretty quickly, I wasn’t feeling well. I waited until I thought the girls were asleep and made an embarrassing trip to the bathroom. The whole night I sort of tossed and turned with a none-to-happy belly but knew I had enough sleep to carry me through the race. I got there early, got a good warm up in and just tried to mentally prepare myself for anything.

The race went by so fast. There were a few moves but nothing big. I helped where it made sense and sat back the rest of the time. I half went for a prime just to test the finish and found the sprint VERY short. I had to be the first person around the corner. Jessica was super strong and was predictably attacking the hill before the second to last hill. She was my gamble for the finish. I was 4^th wheel with one lap to go. On the back side I moved up to 3^rd wheel then waited for Jessica to go. I was on her when she did and followed her around the second to last corner. Then I jumped and started my sprint. I bombed the corner and kept sprinting. When I crossed the line, there was nobody near me and I was sure I’d messed up and it was only 1-lap to go. I had won! My first big win. My first win in a non-combined field. My first win as a cat-3. It was solid.