Life phases in a flash
This weekend my mom visited, I had the worst race of the year (10 minutes of glory), went to the rodeo, took apart my dryer, and got over Jimmy. There’s something sad about wanting to say so much and feeling so little. I find that everyday is about filling time. My mom comes and throws me off my rhythm. I should say that I love having her here but I don’t. I’m not sure there’s enough space on this server for me to adequately summarize my relationship with my family so I won’t. I’ll just say that every one of us has issues and mine is that I can’t make myself form meaningful relationships with people.
The rest of the stuff just added more strain to my weekend. We were up late every night which made me and my mom grumpy. Plus keeping my mom up late meant that I didn’t get my late night hours to myself.
I wish I could pour my thoughts onto paper and not have it read like a technical paper or psych dissertation. I wish I felt anything deeply anymore. The first 20 years of my life were spent so angry and emotionally unstable. All I wanted was to find the middle. Now I don’t feel anything. I move as quickly as I can from one thought to another, from one action to another; maniacally. Mostly I’ve shed myself of drama. I’ve walked away from people, connections, labels, and judgments.
I want to write more. It’s hard to write on the computer with so many background notifications. Most days nothing noteworthy happens but I realize now how much I have changed in the course of my life and sometimes it’s nice to have reminders of where I came from.
Talking to Beau about high school left me feeling so strange. Even as I was explaining my huffer boyfriend who was 2-years older than me and who I dated for 2.5-years the whole thing sounded like a story I made up. I don’t even think I’ve said the word huffer in 20-years. Thinking back I couldn’t believe that I met him right after his first sent in rehab, or that he would head back to rehab within our first few months of dating. I was 14-years old when we met. My mom was more upset when we broke up than I was.
I went straight from that to being a total nerd my senior year. Astronomy club, UNIX accounts, IRC, physics, science fairs, and a ton of sex in the back of my mom’s Cherokee. Then college where I met my first real family, and married in for keeps. More nerd, lots of sleepless nights, depression, and anger. Also so many good times with people who were as peculiar as I. Those were my best years. Even with a string of terrible roommates including one I didn’t say one word to for 9-months. I miss Harris and all the people I met there. It was 20-years ago but it feels like yesterday.
Then the lonely years when I was working, living in a new town, and only had Brian. We fraught constantly that I always needed to hang out with him. I smothered him for years. I eventually got in with “the wives” and somehow became “a wife” too. Even though I also worked with the husbands. I crafted and we talked a ton. For the life of me I cannot figure out what we talked about so much because in retrospect I have nothing in common with those people.
Next were the Jessica years. These overlapped with the cycling years, which are still ongoing. Being a connector, Jessica was my wine, food, and book friend. While I really liked Jessica, she’s the type off person who puts a ton of herself into friendships and I don’t do that. Yes, I’m a terrible person for this. When Jessica moved to Chicago I all but completely cut off communication. Calling and messaging were just too much work. I wish I could explain how much energy small talk takes for me. I prefer to be “doing” things with people or talking in person. There is so much I cannot understand over the phone or messenger.
Finally my current time line is racing, work, and the house. I take a ton of time for reading (which I have most of my life), and I’ve gotten into indie movies. It feels like so many lifetimes when I write it down like that. It’s exhausting to imagine keeping ties to all those facets of my life. So I don’t. One thing I’ve learned over time is that the memories are almost always better than the reality.