“I think we made a mistake”
“I think we made a mistakeâ€. That’s what Brian said after describing how our pool contractor was screwing us. With ultimate confidence we walked through everything he was sure they weren’t telling us. I made a mistake when I married my husband. It’s been 15-years and I’ve never written or said that before. I’ve never let myself believe it. The irony is that he’s been telling me the same thing since before we were married. I don’t mean that I don’t love him because I do but he doesn’t love me.
In the beginning I thought this was perfect. I never wanted to be loved. I never thought I deserved to be loved. I didn’t want to hurt anybody and I was a mess. I found and married the guy who was a bigger mess than I was. For a while it worked but then something happened. I got sick of hating myself. I’m not in love with my husband anymore. It’s impossible to be in love with somebody who hates themselves completely. I know, I was that person.
So what now? Nothing. I still love him and care about him. As long as he will stay with me I’m his. But I won’t be his emotional punching bag and that may be enough to end this relationship. I wish I still knew how to cry over this.