Archive for the ‘Day to Day’ Category
One Week
A few weeks back, Jen was complaining that she’s been here over a month and hadn’t seen any live music. We don’t do live music much. Mostly because Brian is a hermit and I’m in bed by 9:00. We’ve tried a few times only to be reminded how late the main act actually goes on. Ohh yes, that ticket for Bob Schneider might say 7:30 but rest assured that we won’t even be awake until after 10:00. So while we’ve purchased bob tickets before, we’ve never actually seen him.
Anyway, shortly after this conversation, I was offered free tickets to my pick of shows at the Moody Theater. There were a number of acts to choose from but the only one that I was interested in was Barenaked Ladies. Even if you don’t like their music, the shows are always entertaining. I figured it would be a good place to take Jen too.
The seats ended up being pretty fantastic. We were in the mezzanine 1 section just off to the size of the stage. The sound is amazing no matter where you sit but you could actually see from these seats! Now, I go between being a seats lady and a GM lady. I love to dance and there’s something restrictive about being in seats. I’m usually the one shoving my way up front on the floor. However, it was nice to actually see a show. If you don’t know what I mean, check out the title of this blog again.
I also didn’t realize the show was actually four bands; Cracker, Big Head Todd and the Monsters, Blues Traveler, and BNL. So, as always, the main act didn’t actually play until 10:00!!! Of course, Jen and I got there totally on time when the venue was only a quarter full. For the first two acts we barely even cheered. There was just no energy. Normally, I’ll feed off my friends and I don’t care what others think but it was pretty obvious Jen did care and I didn’t want to embarrass her. At one point, she noted how the crowed was full of people dressed in aqua and pink. Well, much of the pink was actually faded burnt orange, but still. Apparently she’s used to crowds of black. Sometimes I have a hard time telling if she’s happy to be here or not. I’m wondering how long she’s going to wait around for people to judge her. We’re all too busy having fun to worry about that shit.
Big Head Todd was really good and I would totally see them again. I wish that I had gotten into their show a little more. I didn’t know any of their songs which made it difficult. They were awesome for having such a short set. The highlight was when they busted out a blues version of LMAFO’s Sexy and I Know It.
Blues Traveler was really good too even though I’m not a huge fan of their music. It’s totally Austin style and I wanted to dance. I don’t know why, but I let the fact that Jen didn’t like them affect how much I got into the show. That and dancing was just difficult from our seats. I think if we’d been on the floor I would have danced anyway.
Finally the Barenaked ladies were awesome as usual. For them I didn’t sit, I stood behind my chair and danced the whole set. I wish I had moved up to the front of the balcony because those seats remained empty the whole show. They stared out with a rap about a meat coma from Lambert’s and ended with a montage of current hits; including Pit Bull, Rhianna, LMAFO, and Katie Parry. It was a really good time. The videos below are not mine but are better quality than the ones I got. So thanks Ktflisa!
At the end of the show, this completely drunk girl offered me an autographed photo she’s gotten earlier in the day at a meet-and-great. She said her boyfriend took her but she didn’t care for BNL so she thought a true fan should have it. Score!
Sleep Deprivation
Today was a total loss. First, I was completely exhausted from not sleeping well on Monday night then having to stay up late to pick Brian up at the airport Tuesday. It was a very long two days I just couldn’t seem to break out of the sleep deprived daze today. I kept telling myself that I would go downstairs and take a nap and that would fix everything but then I just couldn’t do it. I needed more than a nap. I needed to go home and get in bed. I needed Olympic level sleeping.
Also, for some reason my coach didn’t give me any workouts this week. At first I thought it was just because I had already filled a few things in, like our clinic on Tuesday. This morning I realized there was no sign that he’s looked at my account at all. I’m not sure if my expectations are too high or what but I continue to have this issue with my coaches. The one thing I ask, the only thing really, is that I know what I’m supposed to be doing more than 24-hours in advance! I ended up sending an email to him asking what I was supposed to do today.
In the end, I wasn’t able to do his workout anyway because I was way too tired. I opted for a lower intensity workout instead. I wasn’t able to get out of the house until after dinner because I had to take a nap before I could ride. It was 7:30 before I headed out and that meant I wasn’t back in the house until almost 9:00. The result is that it’s 9:30 and I am not in bed so the sleep deprivation cycle continues. It’s sometimes stunning how easy it is to fuck up really simple things like going to bed on time.
I’m supposed to race the driveway tomorrow if I feel better. Here’s to hoping I sleep well for once.
Houdini Bennett
Think have been kind of getting back to normal around the house (sort of, more on that later) so Brian thought it would be good to spend some time with Bennett. I thought taking him to play with Surrey during our board meeting would be perfect. It poured buckets that morning but Kate still said it was cool to bring him.
After a brief greeting, we through them in the backyard to get disastrously muddy. It would be a small price to pay for a happy puppy dog. Meanwhile, Kate and I set to work getting dinner ready for the girls. After about 15-min we heard a crash and the scamper of paws. The dogs were inside! At first I thought Bennett had opened the door because it had a handle doorknob. That is until Kate showed me the knob style that she had and explained he had used his two man-paws and turned it! I really didn’t believe my stupid golden had figured out how to turn a doorknob! We locked the door just in case.
So everybody arrived and we were probably 30-min into our meeting when I hear Kate yell.
   “They’re out! Ohh my God, They’re out!â€
She jumped up and started running to the front door. We all looked to find the two puppies running around the driveway. I rounded up Bennett and Kate got Surrey and we put them back through the gate. Before Kate even took her hand off the latch, Bennett was pushing it up again. I grabbed the latch and held it down, he gave me the stink-eye and pushed with his nose as hard as he could against the latch. Finally, we decided the laundry room was the best place for these two.
I apologized endlessly to Kate for the trouble. Looks like I have a lot to learn about Bennett.
Fozzy Bear: Early 2003 – March 13th 2012
I totally meant to write my thoughts down the night we said goodbye. I hate how life pulls at you sometimes when you least need it. I ended up working late Tuesday and Wednesday night. It upsets me that I wasn’t able to take the time when he was closest to my heart. I’m just now at a point that I can think of him and not break out crying. In some ways, that makes me more sad.
It’s been a while since I gave an update on the situation so I suppose I should take a moment to recap Fozzy’s last weeks with us. The two weeks after the surgery were horrific. Knowing what I know now, I probably would not have put him through it. He adapted very well to being on three legs. The problem was that the stump itself was extremely painful. The vet thought the swelling might have tweaked a nerve or something. Bottom line, if anything touched his stump he would squeal and writhe in pain for up to 5-minutes. For a time I hated myself for doing this to him.
At two weeks, we took him back to get his sutures taken out. When we picked him up, he was a brand new dog. The stump didn’t hurt anymore and he was better about getting around because he wasn’t as scared of falling. He did have huge problems getting traction on the floor and eventually we resigned ourselves to making him wear a bootie.
Just about the time we got the diagnosis Fozzy started to lose energy again. He would get into bed and not want to move. We wondered if it was time and were very frustrated that it had been 3-weeks since the surgery and we still had no idea what his prognosis was.
When we got the diagnosis of osteosarcoma a few weeks later it was devastating. We took him to our vet instead of the specialist to get his opinion of the splenetic tumor and talk about what his last week’s would be like. Our vet suspected part of his lethargy was due to arthritis and put him on an NSAID. We saw a huge difference immediately. It was great to see our hoppy puppy again. He would even hop around the dinner table, pacing for food like he used to. It was fantastic. For a few weeks, I felt relief that I would have him for a little bit longer.
Then, just like that, something cha
nged. Fozzy stopped wanting to move around. He was obviously in pain but we didn’t know what was wrong. He had lost a ton of weight and we were supplementing his meals with peanut butter sandwiches. We thought maybe it was just his arthritis again but increasing his NSAID dose did nothing. His leg would shake when he stood and he would fall sometimes. He was also having a very difficult time using the restroom. It was only three bad days but we knew. He would give us this look whenever he had to get out of bed and we just knew he needed it to end.
As sad as I am, I am so thankful for the last days I was able to spend saying goodbye. Fozzy loved being near us more than anything in the worlds so we setup a little sitting area out of pillows and we would read or do work right next to him so he could get as much petting and love as possible.
The next two days the house just felt empty. My heart ached and I had a constant feeling as if I was missing something. When MacKenzie died, I cried because I felt helpless and guilty. I thought I would never love Fozzy as much as I loved her. She was such a personality. I was so surprised to find that Fozzy blossomed and filled our whole house. Now that presence is gone and I find that I have a hard time believing I’ll every love Bennett like I loved Fozzy. Maybe, but maybe I’ll be surprised.
The light that burns twice as bright, burns half as long
I would give anything these days to be able to slow time. This week was about all I could take. Friday we were still waiting on the pathology results even though they had been promised by Friday. Sunday, I started my Taiwan shift to get probe working and was working during the day to get all of the data we needed from the handler.
Meanwhile, Fozzy seemed to get worse. It’s really difficult to talk about Fozzy’s quality of life because the swings from good day to bad are large. Some days, he follows me around the house hoping for food scraps. Other days, he walks away from the family into a corner and wonder if he’s trying to tell us. I know, whether I want to or not, I will always make excuses for him. I won’t just admit that it’s time.
Tuesday we finally got the call. It came at 4:30 while I was trying to get some much needed sleep so the details are a little fuzzy. The bottom line was not good though. He has osteosarcoma and she was 99.5% sure that it was in the spleen as well. At this point, we are talking about his life in weeks, not months.
We made an appointment with our local vet to discuss care and what to expect. Also, partially to give them all a chance to see him before the end. They have been with him through so much and he’s such a special dog. I couldn’t imagine not giving them an opportunity to say goodbye. Our vet took so much time to discuss the decision making process with us. He told us the decision was never easy and it would always feel like we did either too soon or waited to long. He shared stories of his dogs who had passed and reminded us that they are always a part of you.
Tamisha came in to see him along with Kelly and Janet from reception. It seemed everybody wanted to see him. Tamisha even got teary as we talked about his prognosis. They have all seen him though so much and he really is a special bear.
So now we wait and hope that the end comes quickly when it’s time.
Home Alone (with a post-op puppy)
Going to work has been so difficult. Given how bad Fozzy did with his sutures last time I’m terrified every minute that I’m gone. It takes all the strength in the world for me to open the bedroom door when I get home. Every time, I find him doing fine, laying in bed with his nub wagging to see me. Every time I expect the worst.
He’s having a really difficult time with the hardwood and tile floors. Luckily, he will wear the booty I bought him. It helps but it doesn’t fix it. He needs to adjust his walking style so he’s not propelling himself across the floor. He’s become terrified of some areas of the room, even wearing the booty. This has been so difficult to handle by myself. Bennett is desperate for attention but I have to keep a constant eye on Fozzy. Bennett trying to get near me to steal attention has lead to him stepping on Fozzy’s stub multiple times.
I also haven’t been able to sleep because Fozzy wakes me up every time he shifts position. I’ve been a walking zombie this week. I feel barley functional and I seriously think I’m on the verge of crying all the time. I know things will get better but I feel so guilty for what Fozzy is going through now.
Brian gets home tomorrow and I’m just hoping we don’t get the results of the histopath until after he’s home. I don’t know that I can take bad news with out him.
Tripawd
Fozzy won’t come home until Friday. I had been hopeful that since he was recovering so well he would come home Thursday but he’s still draining so Friday it is. I was able to visit him today though. I was nervous about how he would look and act. It felt like it took them forever to bring him in to me.
It was nice to see how well he was moving around. He was able to lie down and get up on his own. He still had the drain in and seemed really loopy. I’m sure he was happy to see me but not in the way I would have liked. It’s like he couldn’t relax. He just walked around the room sniffing at things and trying to get comfortable. I brought his favorite stuffed animal but he didn’t seem interested.
I know it shouldn’t bother me that, after a major surgery, he seems unsettled and didn’t want to play with his toy but it did bother me. I hope that when he gets home he’ll settle in better. I know that thinking he is “depressed†is inane but I worry that he’s not comfortable. I worry most that his spleen was bothering him more than we thought and was just masked by his leg being so painful.
I’m counting the hours until I get to bring my baby home. I hope I made the “right choiceâ€.
Weathering the Storm
The house seems very quiet. Bennett is playing with the treats toy Fozzy never lets him play with, Brian is playing video games, and I’m still in awe that I’m still awake.
The storm came through around 2:00 in the morning and didn’t seem to end until just before 5:00AM. It was as if this storm came to make up for all the rain we didn’t get. More thunder and lightning than I can remember in a long time. All night I tossed and turned. No telling if I would have slept poorly anyway but that’s what I did when the noise was too much to sleep through.
I wrapped myself in my trench coat and took the dogs outside to get the morning business out of the way. While the thunder had subsided, the sky was alive with lights. I try not to be superstitious but I couldn’t help but feel a tinge of anxiety. We haven’t had a storm like this in 7 or more years and today of all mornings, after the worst drought in recent memory, the sky opens up. It stormed the night before my sister’s wedding and caused the worst flooding in Kentucky in 40-years, then it stormed again the day my nephew was born. Neither of those events have had great outcomes. I watched Fozzy hop around the yard and said another prayer that I was doing the right thing.
The morning came too quickly. While the rain had abated, roughly 5-inches in 4-hours had left many of the roads around town flooded and completely closed. With that in mind, we set out early to make sure we weren’t late and to try and beat traffic. The drive was actually uneventful and ended up being 1-hour early; which was more than enough time to grab a bagel and coffee.
Our consult with the surgeon went well except for her obvious disapproval that we were not going to remove his spleen. Other than that, she was very nice and really took a lot of time to prepare us for what he would be like after the surgery. Again, I wondered.
Around 1:00 they called and said he had gotten through surgery fantastically and that we might get to take him home on Thursday instead of Friday. It was great news but until I see him, walking and playing and being his old self, I will wonder.
Facing the Storm
We are finally getting some much needed rain. Today the sky turned black and, with little warning at all, heavy rain pounded down on us. In so many ways it echoed my mood. Today we had to make the chose for Fozzy. We finally got the call on Tuesday, sitting in the parking lot of the wedding I had actually, that both biopsies were inconclusive. More than that, the pathology lab thought the suspected plasma cell tumor. This was something we were completely unprepared for… hope.
Plasma cell tumor (or plamsacytoma) is a rare condition in dogs, accounting for less than 8% of hematopoietic tumors. The diagnosis can sometimes be made by looking for elevated proteins in the blood work. Unfortunately, these proteins only become elevated once the cancer is in the bone marrow meaning the test is not conclusive. We opted to do the test anyway because it was cheap and relatively quick. We took him in on Wednesday to have his blood drawn and knew it would be two or more days before we heard back.
Late Friday afternoon we got the call that the blood test was also inconclusive. At this point, her suggestion was that we remove the spleen and have it biopsied. This was extremely difficult news to hear. We’ve already spent a ton of money for nothing and now we have to choose a course of treatment with no information. Our biggest issue was that he seemed fine except that he can’t use his leg.
As the weekend went on he seemed to deteriorate. He became lethargic and had difficulty getting comfortable. His appetite never suffered and he seemed to want to participate but didn’t feel comfortable moving around. We are obviously worried about his spleen, but if he does have the plasmacytoma, the spleen tumor should react well to the chemo. I don’t think he will ever use his leg again.
Monday we called the doctor with our decision. We were going to hedge our bets and amputate, using the leg for the biopsy instead of the spleen. The original plan was to do both, remove the spleen and biopsy the leg (without amputation). Knowing that he will likely never use his leg again, we knew we had to amputate. We also decided it was too probably that the tumors were related to justify removing his spleen as well. These were all very difficult decisions!
The final decision to pull the trigger came when we got the quote for the amputation. It was more than we’d hoped. Not as much as the splenectomy, but more than we’d hoped. By the time we got the quote we only had 4-hours left to make a decision. We got the quote today and he has to have the surgery tomorrow or wait until Monday. He’s in so much pain; I didn’t feel we could wait. Plus, Brian will be in Dallas all next week. So the decision is made, for better or worse.
We take him to the vet first thing in the morning. The weather forecast is for very severe storms. Part of me feels like it’s an omen. I keep telling myself I’m not doing this for me. I don’t know if that’s true. There have been so many times that I’ve thought death would be peace for my baby. It will be true someday but not today. I still see the fight in his eyes. We pick him up Friday. More to come.
…and waiting
This last week has been horrible. I feel like I’m stuck in an emotional void. I can’t morn a dog that’s still alive but my life is not normal right now. I have no choice but to continue as close to normal as possible but I’m plagued by this constant feeling that I forgot something very important… ohh right, my dog is dying.
Yesterday came and went with no call from the vet. More than anything, I hate the waiting. I want to do something. Schedule his surgery, decide on treatment, and get back to living while he can. I’m screaming, crying, and clawing helplessly inside. On the outside, I’m trying not to let this consume me so that I can enjoy my time with him.
As is always true, when it rains if pours. I have a wedding this week (Tuesday no less), a meeting on Sunday, and just got hit with an unexpected presentation next week. I’m just trying to push through. Training? What training? It’s difficult to give things up, but sometimes it’s just time.