Archive for the ‘TPF’ Category
Accident Prone at the Paella Festival
Two days ago, this would have been a post about how horrible my doctor is and how he isn’t really evaluating my individual progress. I have a hard time writing that post now because I have not been a good patient and may have totally messed my knee up.
The story starts on Thursday when I first started calling the doctor’s office to find out about the results of my back X-rays. I was so confident based on how I felt and based on the conversation we had at my first follow-up that I actually stopped wearing the brace. I was shocked when the nurse called to give me instructions that the X-rays look good but that I’m still to wear the brace for 4-weeks more then have the X-rays taken again without my brace. This is the part that kills me because her instructions were very clear that I was only to remove the brace for the brief period when they take the X-rays but the doctor told me I didn’t have to wear the brace for short periods like when I wake up at night to use the bathroom. The icing on the cake is that I wasn’t wearing the brace in the last set of X-rays because I assumed that if I can walk to the bathroom, I can stand for 5-minutes without the brace on. I had a minor tantrum when I heard what she had to say. After I calmed down, I called her back and told her I wanted an appointment with the doctor. It’s amazing how guilty you feel, like you’re going to get into trouble for doing something wrong. I should have been up front right away but it was obvious that she had no idea what he had told me before and it would have turned into he-said, she-said.
So after that drama, I end up having to wear my brace at the paella festival. The festival was so much fun, but since I couldn’t get my own food, I ended up not getting much food at all. I should have had people get two plates to make sure that I got a whole plate of food but it just didn’t happen. So even though I didn’t drink a whole lot, I ended up quite tipsy. After it got dark, I made the mistake of trying to “run†after Sheri and tripped on a blanket. I tried to save it for a few seconds and ended up going down on my ass. Just before I went down I instinctively tried to use my left leg for balance. I have no idea how hard I put my leg down but I know it wasn’t good. It didn’t hurt except for that pins-and-needles feeling from not having stepped on your foot in a while. I still felt horrible and totally know that it may mean that the bone has shifted slightly. The worst part is that I fell again trying to get out of the truck into Tammy’s house. I got out too close to the curb where there was a steep incline and had to use my left leg to keep from face-planting forward. I was a complete disaster and it felt like I had no regard for my health. I am hoping for the best but I know that I put some weight on my leg before the 10-weeks was up and that could have a very bad outcome.
I couldn’t sleep last night with all of this swirling around in my head. I felt stupid and juvenile but mostly selfish and overconfident. Stephen ended up having to carry me to my car because I just couldn’t see well enough to place my crutches. It’s completely embarrassing. There are days I just want to crawl under a rock, today is one of those.
Back Brace Month #2
Well I took my second set of X-rays on Tuesday. I was going to wait until Wed morning but I took them on Tuesday 4 weeks ago and it didn’t take much convincing myself that Tuesday was much better than Wednesday. I waited until Thursday morning to call the office and didn’t get a call back until 4:30. I didn’t answer the phone because I was at a late lunch with my co-workers and thought it would be rude. I called back 10 minutes later only to be sent to a message stating that the office closes at 4:00. So after kicking myself for a good 5-minutes for my stupid choice of co-worker feelings over my health and wellness, I calmed down and settled into the fact that I would have to wait 16 more hours before I would have a chance to talk to Erica at the office. I think I freaked out because I really expected a message that said “you’re fine, everything looks fine. Have a nice day!†I got so nervous that something was wrong and that’s why they wouldn’t leave a message. It wasn’t until I got home and realized how good my back feels that I started to worry less.
My back felt very strange when I first stopped wearing the brace. I wouldn’t classify it as pain, though there were a few stretches that caused quick, briefly painful tweaks the first day. Mostly I have had discomfort. The sensation is something between on an airplane for 24-hours straight and pushing against something that all of a sudden isn’t there. My back feels tight and uncomfortable, but also free from pushing up against my brace. I know that living without it before getting the ok from my doctor is risky, and it does worry me, but I find the brace far more painful on my back than going without it, and at some point I have to trust my body. Plus, the only “pain†I’ve felt has been very, very low on my back and off to the sides of my spine.
Stories of Hope and the Picnic
Tomorrow marks 7-weeks since my surgery. My follow-up appointment is in 2-weeks. I have tried my best to stay positive about the outcome but I also know that much of it is a desperate show. I have to assume that things are going to be ok because I can’t cope if they’re not. Not having any control over your body is an emotional roller coaster. For every conversation I’ve had or article that I’ve read that gives me confidence that I’ll be back on the bike in a few months, there is an opposing conversation or article that makes me wonder if I’ll ever return to normality.
Most of my interactions lately have been very positive. Like Stephen sharing his story of surgery; Melissa sharing her stories of life after her ankle break and how similar her experience was to her friends, and Scott with his two ACL reconstructions. All of these interactions left me feeling like patience was al that stood between me and normalcy. The low point came yesterday at the Austin Flyers Picnic. It was put on by our sponsors, Texas Ortho, and I knew that some of the staff would be present. When I arrived, I was immediately greeted by one of the staff who asked me what happened. When he heard the prognosis, his face turned grim. “it’s a very difficult injury to recover from. It takes a very long timeâ€. The graveness of his voice was what struck me. Surgeons have seen everything, right? How is it that my injury, one that is supposedly extremely common, would cause this reaction. When I tried to ask him why it was so difficult to recover, was it pain, re-injury, stiffness, soft-tissue damage, his response was “Well, it’s just… healingâ€. It stayed with me the whole day, I was devastated.
I learned two things; the first is that if somebody sounds like they don’t know what they’re talking about, ignore them. It turns out this guy is not a doctor at all. I assumed he was because I’m used to the small offices that my mother –in-law works in where everybody except the nurses are doctors. I never should have assumed he would know anything about my injury. That’s what desperation does.
Finally, I gave up wearing my brace today. After two parties and hours of trying to design a Christmas card, my back was horribly stiff this morning. I have actually been moving it as much as I can with a broken leg. There have been a few positions that have caused popping and even a brief twang of what I would consider real back pain. I don’t know how much I should be concerned because it seems like the brace is doing far more damage than good at this point and I get my X-rays in 3 days now anyway. Still, I’m being good and logging everything so I can tell if it gets better or worse. The cycling position does not seem to cause any pain but it looks like I’ll be able to spend some time spinning, to be sure, before I have to make decisions about a new bike.
Finally, a break… and a breakdown
After a great night out with friends last night I came home and immediately melted down. It seems counter intuitive, but I think I just didn’t want to feel so abnormal after feeling so good for a few hours. I got it in my head that I needed my heartrate monitor band and I just couldn’t get over it. It was totally irrational and I knew it, but I just couldn’t get over it.
Today closed out a week of constant pushing to get this program completed for FP. It felt like the more I pushed to get it done, the harder it would push to not be done. We just kept finding issue after issue. It felt completely impossible.Finally, I got my sign-off at 1:30 today and all of a sudden I was lost. It wasn’t that I didn’t have things to do but nothing so urgent. I also knew i needed to take some time to take care of myself and rest. I can’t tell you how horrible resting feels after being so focused and working so hard for so long. I felt useless and depression definitely set in quickly.
Resting also gave me an opportunity to listen to my body and realize how different it felt. That was difficult as well because I can’t tell what hurts because I’m pushing it and what hurts because my body is not being used like it was before. I can’t figure out why the muscles in my left side are so tight even though I can’t use that leg. My IT band is tender to the touch and I’m sure I have an MCL tear. Also, my back is still twitchy and tight and I have a ton of cricks in my neck from not sleeping on my stomach. I feel like I’m getting used to a new body and it causes a feeling of helplessness. I realized that I wont really know how many problems I will have to work through until I’m actually able to try bearing weight. I just want to move on to the next phase of this and I’m not good at waiting.
4-weeks
No Limits
I often find it very difficult to talk about myself, especially when it involves describing or characterizing me. I am who I am and that’s all there is. One thing that seems obvious is that those who know me have no trouble knowing exactly how I’m going to react to most situations. I don’t know that I ever would have said that I don’t understand the concept of limitations. I would simply say that I’m a positive thinker. Yet everybody from my friends, to family, to co-workers knew that I had no idea what I was in for with this injury. Every step of the way I have believed that I was capable of so much more than I am. Every step I have been met with shock and disappointment. I truly believed the surgeon was going to look at how much strength and range of motion I had in my leg, declare me wonder-woman and tell me I could start weight-bearing. I walked into his office so proud and confident only to be told, in a scared-straight-80’s-anti-drug-program kind of way that if I tried to walk on it I would be having surgery again. It was like a slap in the face and it was all I could do not to show my disappointment right there. I realize now that he probably sees people like me all the time, and we probably do usually end up back in surgery. So you’d think lesson learned right?
After this blow to my plans I started working on a new way that I could start breaking myself out of the house solo. Brian and I think through every possible way that I might be able to get out of the house, down 3 steps, and into my truck with my walker before we decide this is just not possible on one leg. So what do I do? I call my boss and tell him I’m going to start coming into work next week. Yup, as these words are coming out of my mouth I know that we have worked every scenario and I have no idea how I can make this happen. All I know is that I want it to happen and, again, here is that strange concept of limitations again. I just know that I’ll find a way.
2-weeks
Two weeks down, ten to go! I’m still stuck at home though my only real problem is that my brace is too uncomfortable to wear for more than 3 hours at a time. I should feel lucky that I’m not in more pain but instead I feel completely held back by the fact that somebody was too incompetent to design my brace correctly. Something about that is more depressing than if I were laid up in bed, unable to move. I feel like so many people have been cheated by this poor design.
I feel so sorry for what this has done to Brian. I know it kills him to see me this way. I hate that that he has to take care of me like a child. I’m torn because I want to be able to help and take the burden of him but I know that doing so too early may leave me limited for my whole life. Everybody keeps telling me to slow down but I don’t know what that means. Life doesn’t slow down.
Reality sets in
I have been so good about keeping a positive attitude and today it all fell apart. I can’t seem to find the right mix of things to give me a good night’s sleep. I want to be off painkillers but I think I will have to take them at night so I don’t have to wake Brian up. On top of that, the back brace is killing me and I can’t stay in it for more than 2-3 hours at a time. All I can think about is that I’ve only had it for 1 week now and, according to the doctor, I have 11 more to go!!! I don’t know if I can cope with that. At some point, I will need to be able to shower without it or sit for short periods without it. I don’t know how I will function if that’s not the case. It’s so distracting that I have a hard time concentrating on work while I’m wearing it. The only positive thought that I have right now is that my Orhto might ok me for PT on my leg at my appointment on Monday. I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t.
The Accident
It’s been 1 week, 23 hours, and 30 minutes since the accident. It’s difficult to comprehend everything that has happened in that time. I should have been keeping a journal the whole time but I was not exactly mobile. Here goes my attempted at capturing the events.
The Accident
It all starts with the bumper of a white pickup truck. A white pickup truck is going to hit me. I was traveling straight and he was coming opposite me making a left turn across my lane of travel. I remember him stopping instead of turning and thinking that was odd. I waited, and waited as I approached the intersection, finally deciding that he was letting me go. He never saw me. I remember thinking I needed to stay up right or things were not going to go well. Then I was on the ground, rolling; and everything hurt. My back was excruciatingly painful as I waited for the EMT. A few times, I thought I might pass out it was so painful. When the ambulance arrived, they rolled me onto my back and that helped the pain some. I knew that I could move all of my extremities so I was not worried about my back being broken; I thought it was just my muscles. I didn’t know you could break your back without being paralyzed.
The Hospital
I was admitted to the ER where they evaluated me and took my neck brace off. At this point I was worried about contacting Brian and I was trying to work out what impact this would have on my life. My knee had started to hurt very badly and I knew something was wrong. Early on, I was silly enough to think I might have a bad case of bursitis. Brian called me from the airport and the ER personnel let me use my phone to talk to him. It was nice knowing he was on his way and I wouldn’t be alone. After a bunch of X-rays and a CT-scan, I was met by a neurosurgeon. This was probably the most scared I ever was. He explained that I had broken my back. I had a compression fracture of the L2. I wasn’t able to breathe until he said that surgery was not required. He explained the brace that I would need and that I would have to wear it for 3 months. At this point I’m thinking that I can wear the brace to work and probably even do trainer rides with it. I really had no idea. They admitted me into the trauma ward, where I would stay until my brace arrived.
Saturday (day 1)
Until the brace arrived, I was limited to complete bed rest. I ate in bed, I peed in bed, I did everything in bed. As horrible as it was, I kept thinking “at least I’m out of here when the brace arrives”. Overnight, my leg continued to swell and hurt. It wasn’t until the afternoon that I was able to get somebody to look at it. When the news came back, it wasn’t good. Not only did I have a broken back, but a broken leg too. I was scheduled for surgery on Monday, which meant I was not getting out of the hospital until Wed, maybe Thursday. This is when I officially lost it.
Sunday (day 2)
Brian’s mom got on a plane and we both breathed a small sigh of relief. Things calmed down and I started to take stock of the situation. Most of Sunday was spent on the phone and resting. Brian got his mom settled into the house late in the afternoon. With her watching the dogs, he was able to spend the night since my surgery was first thing in the morning. It was nice having him with me. Nighttime was the worst. Sleeping was so difficult since I could not move myself.
Monday -Wednesday
I was out of surgery by 9:30 and spend most of the morning in a drug-induced coma. My friends started showing up around 3:00 to see how I was doing and help when needed. Brian really needed some relief from being by my side so this gift from my friends was priceless. I finally was fitted for my back brace in the afternoon but had to wait for the neurosurgeon to approve the X-rays before I would be given the ok to get out of bed. The approval came Tuesday and I was so happy when the PT came to show me how to use my walker. It was harder than I thought I was concerned with how quickly I tired. I stopped the pain meds on Tuesday with hopes that I would spend Tuesday night at home. I had a ton of friends with me all day to help the time pass. Unfortunately, I was not to go home until Wednesday. I checked out at 10:00 and could not have been happier. I knew things would be very difficult but was up for the challenge (I hoped)
I have since realized how difficult this will really be. I cannot get out of bed by myself, which means I have to wake Brian up every time I have to use the restroom, or need a blanket, or whatever. The daytime is better and I’m much more independent. I still can’t cook anything or carry anything. I can’t lift anything heavy or bend forward. I’m learning new ways to do simple, everyday things. Right now, having a normal life seems very far away and my bike feels even farther. I miss moving and doing. My brain works far too fast to be held up like this.