Rehab Update
Today marks three months since the accident. I have to admit, I had high hopes for this time. I sort of saw myself getting back to normal workouts (ie longer than 15min) on the bike. I knew that I would be back on the bike before I was walking so I’m not really disappointed there, but I thought I might be closer to walking. I didn’t think I would still require crutches.
Wednesday I had the evaluation on my back. Everything checked out except that I have some mean trigger points. I’ll need to work on my back with the ball and stretch alot. Since we had some time left, she went ahead and measured my one-legged squat tolerance. I came in at 30% of my body weight. That’s double what it was 4 weeks ago. If I gain 15% every 4 weeks, I’ll be at 100% in 19 more weeks. If It doubles every 4-weeks, then I’ll be at 100% in about 6-weeks. If it’s exponential, then who knows :). She also realized, based on those results, that she had my two-legged squat way to easy. She had been pretty conservative about estimating my progress I guess. I think because I’m still having trouble with “clicking” on the reformer. It’s interesting that the two machines cause such different reactions in my knee.
Today I try walking again and I’m hopeful that I do much better having not trounced around the city for 3 hours on a cane two days before :). I’m also hoping she’ll clear me for more “serious” cycling so that I can start using PH during the week.
Christmas Tree Lighting Stroll and a Pity-Party of 1
I’m home sick today because last night I almost vomited and felt sick to my stomach all night. I tossed and turned and only got a few hours sleep. Even though I know it’s a legitimate sick day, I still feel guilty. I’m trying to work from home but don’t feel very motivated because I’m tired and I still feel pretty ill.
Lately I’ve turned into a big pity-party. This last week, our self evaluations were due. These things always make me feel but this time it came right after getting off short term disability so I wasn’t feeling that I had really contributed or hit my deadlines very well. I didn’t mention my accident anywhere because I don’t believe in excuses but the whole time I’m thinking “I got hit by a fucking truck!!â€.
I’ve also been feeling down about my progress. We’re approaching Christmas and I definitely had high hopes for traveling. It looks like I will not be walking at all and will still be on crutches. I can’t carry my own baggage so we’ll have to pay to check my bags. Last weekend I thought things were feeling pretty good and my PT had plans for me to try walking on Monday. I got over confident and went on the “Christmas Tree Lighting Stroll†with Jessica. I knew when I talked to her I wouldn’t be able to keep up. I couldn’t use the crutches because they are too clunky and people run into them. It had to be cane or nothing. I told her I would be too slow and I should have known to just say no. She swore it wouldn’t be a problem because we were talking about a “strollâ€. Even strolling was about twice as fast as I was capable of. When I went into the PT appointment on Monday, my leg was still very irritated and tender from over using it. They had to remove 45lbs of weight before I even started to walk without pain. I came home very discouraged.
For Christmas all I want is my life back. I miss the simple things like putting dishes away, walking to get hot chocolate, walking my dogs, and of course riding my bike. Every day I am faces with more and more things that I can’t do and I don’t know when I will be able to do them. I have been able to keep my eyes towards my accomplishments until now. Now all I can see is my limitations.
Funny Stories and Bike Drama
My back has really been hurting these last couple of days. It’s so difficult for me to say if it’s muscle of spine since the muscles are totally related to how your spine moves and feels. I tend to think that it is just muscle pain but it makes me nervous. The good news is that it is very low; much lower than my L2.
Yesterday was nice and relaxed. Brian came home early and decided not to go into the office today. The mood was light and fun for the first time in a while. As we were cooking dinner, I mentioned a conversation where Shontell tried to argue that pint glasses were 12-oz. Brian wondered if pint-glasses were actually 16-oz or if they held a little more so that you could fill it with 16-oz and still walk. Being engineers, we had to try it out. I filled a pint glass almost to the very top and it measured 16-oz. My plan was to drink it but after I poured it to the top I started giggling. As I giggled the water threatened to spill which made me giggle harder. Giggling turned into laughing which turned into waters spilling all over me. Brian was almost in tears laughing over the whole ordeal.
Later, I was trying to crawl up the stairs on my butt. I sat down on the stairs and Bennett immediately sat down next to me. He gave me this adorable look like “We got this mommyâ€. Brian started up the stairs and tried to pass when Bennett got all excited and tried to block him. It was so cute!
Today I went to MJ’s to get fit for a new bike. When I got there, the guy who was supposed to fit me passed me off to another sales guy who didn’t fit me at all. He looked over the measurements of the two bikes I was looking at and just talked to me about them. I had already done all the research so he didn’t really tell me anything new. He did tell me he didn’t think the Parlee would fit being 2cm taller than my last bike. We decided on the Madone only to have him check inventory and find they don’t make it in my size anymore. I left really upset. When I got home I realized that that Specialized has been expanding their line of short woman’s bikes and they sell frames. So worst case I buy the frame at BSS and build it with my discount at MJ’s.
Too Much Too Soon
I was feeling pretty good about my recovery this morning. I felt great and was even able to take a few steps virtually unaided by the walker. Even though I told myself not to push it and to be patient, I definitely didn’t rest enough. By dinner my foot was very swollen, my knee was tight, and I was exhausted. I still need to finish the laundry and work on Christmas cards. I’m very happy at my flexibility and am now able to sit comfortably with my legs up on the couch (not quite Indian-style).
The Road to Recovery
I’ve had 10 weeks to start looking into what my recovery is going to look like. I think that, regardless of the injury, when you’re NWB for more than 8-weeks recovery is going to be difficult. What amazed me was the range of recovery stories. Some people were able to walk unaided after 2-weeks and some people weren’t able to lose the cane for months. I realize everybody’s body is different but it would have helped to understand what some of the barriers were for those people who took longer to recover.
My recovery story starts with another bout of bad physical therapy instructions. I was so proud of myself for taking the time to repeat the doctor’s instructions for confirmation and then even giving examples of what would be and wouldn’t be acceptable. The doctor was very clear that he wanted me to do strength building until the brace was off and then I could try walking. I thought it was absolutely absurd that he would make a decision about my care without even consulting the other doctor, but I didn’t argue because I doubted I would have the strength to walk before then anyway. However, when I submitted my prescription to the PT office, they found that the doctor had written NWB for two weeks. So I explained the conversation I had and how I was so specific in my questions. She also couldn’t understand why they would prescribe me PT when I couldn’t do anything and why my leg doctor would be concerned about my back. Luckily, she opted to continue our therapy as originally discussed rather than per the script. I was so confident that I had the orders correct that I called the office to get clarification. They still wouldn’t admit they made a mistake and continued to tell me that I couldn’t weight-bear until I got the brace off. Ridiculous since my back doctor told me he thought walking would be good for me!
So, my initial consultation was spent discussing my injury and the therapy I would receive then performing an evaluation of my current condition. I check out pretty good on most categories and exceptionally well on range of motion. The scale was the only test that really through me for a loop. I was shocked to find out I now weighted 99lbs (with shoes on)! Also, when I put only my bad leg on the scale and transferred weight, I found that I felt balanced with only 10lbs of weight on my leg and couldn’t put more than 35lbs without pain. We moved to the tail-gaiter and then did some squat-presses on the lowest level. It was amazing how week I was and how much my body creaked. She explained that we would work on exercises that encouraged bone growth and healing of the cartilage in the joint. I was discouraged by how little I could do.
My appointment today went better. I felt I was able to do more comfortably. I did tail-gaiter, squat-press with balance disks, glut-med lifts, Pilates-reformer, squat-press, then tail-gaiter again. By the end of the last squat-press, my left leg was shaking a little. I hope all of this is normal and I couldn’t imagine starting 2.5-weeks later than I already have.
The Day of the WB Appointment
If you had told 10-weeks ago that I would go 10-weeks without being on a bike I would have had a panic attack. I probably would have come close to having a heart attack if you have hinted at any more than two weeks off the bike. Today I got on the bike for the first time in 9-weeks and 3-days and it was only a spin bike on the easiest setting for 30-minutes. I miss being on the bike but I know I’ll survive and I know I’ll get back. I’m in no hurry to rush it and know I have a long recovery ahead of me. While I do feel there are many things I missed out on during this time, I also think this has given me a chance to gain perspective. I don’t know how long it will be before I’m obsessed with the bike again. Who knows, maybe I will keep perspective and make room for other priorities in my life. Either way, I believe I will come out of this experience a happier, more well-rounded person.
So when I finally had my appointment I was ready for the worst. The doctor hung up my X-ray and asked me how I was feeling. I just started rambling. I mentioned the pain on the inside of my knee but that it feels much better than it did; blah, blah, blah. He finally interrupted me and asked more about the pain. He bent my knee to the side, which didn’t hurt. He then checked my ACL, which was strange but yielded good results. Turns out it is either my MCL or a meniscus tear. If it’s a meniscus tear I will likely need arthroscopic surgery again. He also asked me how it felt when I walked on it, which made me do a double take. Apparently he has a different post-op plan for patients. Finally, I asked him about the X-rays and he said they were fine. I left feeling a weight lifted and ready to start physical therapy. What was surprising is that I had no desire to actually try any weight-bearing until I started physical therapy. I think I finally realize that my body has limitations.
Anxiety over the Upcoming Appointment
I feel like my life has been dominated by my injury. As much as I hate to write about it *again* I simply don’t think of much else. Thursday I had my follow-up with the back doctor. It always amazes me how different the instructions sound from the nurse than from the doctor. All of the strictness in the nurse’s instructions were all but laughed off by the doctor. He was fully aware that the second X-rays were taken with without the brace. He was fine that I didn’t wear it when I was up for something quick. I hate how vague the instructions are. He told me I could skip wearing the brace when I wake up to use the restroom as he was walking out of the office at the end of the appointment. It’s frustrating that the instructions aren’t written down every time.
So now I’m approaching the 10-week follow-up for my leg and, of course, now I’m analyzing all of the ways I could have screwed up my recovery. My post-op instructions said “non-weight-bearing†and “follow-up in 2-weeksâ€. At the two week apt I received no instructions. I was given a brace after the surgery that I was also given no instructions on. The nurse told me I didn’t have to wear it while sleeping but never said when or why I did have to wear it. The assumption is when I’m not sleeping but what about if I’m lying down? What if I turn a lot in my sleep? What if I sleep on my side? Since my 2-week follow-up I found post-op instructions from other hospitals and these instructions are far more restrictive than what I’ve been doing. One specified that the brace could not be removed, even while sleeping, until after 6-weeks. Again, if my surgery did not heal correctly it will be because I never received proper instructions and that is extremely frustrating. So now I go into this appointment completely worried and thinking there is a chance that I might have to have surgery again. I know it’s not common but it’s possible and I just don’t know.
Accident Prone at the Paella Festival
Two days ago, this would have been a post about how horrible my doctor is and how he isn’t really evaluating my individual progress. I have a hard time writing that post now because I have not been a good patient and may have totally messed my knee up.
The story starts on Thursday when I first started calling the doctor’s office to find out about the results of my back X-rays. I was so confident based on how I felt and based on the conversation we had at my first follow-up that I actually stopped wearing the brace. I was shocked when the nurse called to give me instructions that the X-rays look good but that I’m still to wear the brace for 4-weeks more then have the X-rays taken again without my brace. This is the part that kills me because her instructions were very clear that I was only to remove the brace for the brief period when they take the X-rays but the doctor told me I didn’t have to wear the brace for short periods like when I wake up at night to use the bathroom. The icing on the cake is that I wasn’t wearing the brace in the last set of X-rays because I assumed that if I can walk to the bathroom, I can stand for 5-minutes without the brace on. I had a minor tantrum when I heard what she had to say. After I calmed down, I called her back and told her I wanted an appointment with the doctor. It’s amazing how guilty you feel, like you’re going to get into trouble for doing something wrong. I should have been up front right away but it was obvious that she had no idea what he had told me before and it would have turned into he-said, she-said.
So after that drama, I end up having to wear my brace at the paella festival. The festival was so much fun, but since I couldn’t get my own food, I ended up not getting much food at all. I should have had people get two plates to make sure that I got a whole plate of food but it just didn’t happen. So even though I didn’t drink a whole lot, I ended up quite tipsy. After it got dark, I made the mistake of trying to “run†after Sheri and tripped on a blanket. I tried to save it for a few seconds and ended up going down on my ass. Just before I went down I instinctively tried to use my left leg for balance. I have no idea how hard I put my leg down but I know it wasn’t good. It didn’t hurt except for that pins-and-needles feeling from not having stepped on your foot in a while. I still felt horrible and totally know that it may mean that the bone has shifted slightly. The worst part is that I fell again trying to get out of the truck into Tammy’s house. I got out too close to the curb where there was a steep incline and had to use my left leg to keep from face-planting forward. I was a complete disaster and it felt like I had no regard for my health. I am hoping for the best but I know that I put some weight on my leg before the 10-weeks was up and that could have a very bad outcome.
I couldn’t sleep last night with all of this swirling around in my head. I felt stupid and juvenile but mostly selfish and overconfident. Stephen ended up having to carry me to my car because I just couldn’t see well enough to place my crutches. It’s completely embarrassing. There are days I just want to crawl under a rock, today is one of those.
Back Brace Month #2
Well I took my second set of X-rays on Tuesday. I was going to wait until Wed morning but I took them on Tuesday 4 weeks ago and it didn’t take much convincing myself that Tuesday was much better than Wednesday. I waited until Thursday morning to call the office and didn’t get a call back until 4:30. I didn’t answer the phone because I was at a late lunch with my co-workers and thought it would be rude. I called back 10 minutes later only to be sent to a message stating that the office closes at 4:00. So after kicking myself for a good 5-minutes for my stupid choice of co-worker feelings over my health and wellness, I calmed down and settled into the fact that I would have to wait 16 more hours before I would have a chance to talk to Erica at the office. I think I freaked out because I really expected a message that said “you’re fine, everything looks fine. Have a nice day!†I got so nervous that something was wrong and that’s why they wouldn’t leave a message. It wasn’t until I got home and realized how good my back feels that I started to worry less.
My back felt very strange when I first stopped wearing the brace. I wouldn’t classify it as pain, though there were a few stretches that caused quick, briefly painful tweaks the first day. Mostly I have had discomfort. The sensation is something between on an airplane for 24-hours straight and pushing against something that all of a sudden isn’t there. My back feels tight and uncomfortable, but also free from pushing up against my brace. I know that living without it before getting the ok from my doctor is risky, and it does worry me, but I find the brace far more painful on my back than going without it, and at some point I have to trust my body. Plus, the only “pain†I’ve felt has been very, very low on my back and off to the sides of my spine.
Stories of Hope and the Picnic
Tomorrow marks 7-weeks since my surgery. My follow-up appointment is in 2-weeks. I have tried my best to stay positive about the outcome but I also know that much of it is a desperate show. I have to assume that things are going to be ok because I can’t cope if they’re not. Not having any control over your body is an emotional roller coaster. For every conversation I’ve had or article that I’ve read that gives me confidence that I’ll be back on the bike in a few months, there is an opposing conversation or article that makes me wonder if I’ll ever return to normality.
Most of my interactions lately have been very positive. Like Stephen sharing his story of surgery; Melissa sharing her stories of life after her ankle break and how similar her experience was to her friends, and Scott with his two ACL reconstructions. All of these interactions left me feeling like patience was al that stood between me and normalcy. The low point came yesterday at the Austin Flyers Picnic. It was put on by our sponsors, Texas Ortho, and I knew that some of the staff would be present. When I arrived, I was immediately greeted by one of the staff who asked me what happened. When he heard the prognosis, his face turned grim. “it’s a very difficult injury to recover from. It takes a very long timeâ€. The graveness of his voice was what struck me. Surgeons have seen everything, right? How is it that my injury, one that is supposedly extremely common, would cause this reaction. When I tried to ask him why it was so difficult to recover, was it pain, re-injury, stiffness, soft-tissue damage, his response was “Well, it’s just… healingâ€. It stayed with me the whole day, I was devastated.
I learned two things; the first is that if somebody sounds like they don’t know what they’re talking about, ignore them. It turns out this guy is not a doctor at all. I assumed he was because I’m used to the small offices that my mother –in-law works in where everybody except the nurses are doctors. I never should have assumed he would know anything about my injury. That’s what desperation does.
Finally, I gave up wearing my brace today. After two parties and hours of trying to design a Christmas card, my back was horribly stiff this morning. I have actually been moving it as much as I can with a broken leg. There have been a few positions that have caused popping and even a brief twang of what I would consider real back pain. I don’t know how much I should be concerned because it seems like the brace is doing far more damage than good at this point and I get my X-rays in 3 days now anyway. Still, I’m being good and logging everything so I can tell if it gets better or worse. The cycling position does not seem to cause any pain but it looks like I’ll be able to spend some time spinning, to be sure, before I have to make decisions about a new bike.