The View from 58-inches High

Making friends was always difficult for me when I was younger. Like there was some secret handshake I didn’t get. I would always hang out just on the periphery of real friendship. Sometimes, I would think there was a moment of acceptance that brought me to “friend” status only to find myself quickly, and often publicly, corrected. Probably similar to going in for the kiss a little to early on a date.

With the growth of social media over the past years and being one of the few women in engineering, I haven’t really had to worry about these catty, social circumstances. I’ve gotten used to being accepted pretty easily. If anything, I have been the rejector since I have pretty strict rules about “friending” only people I have meaningful, non-work conversations with on a regular basis.

So when I had a “friend” requested accepted on what was obviously restricted permissions after, what I thought were, a few meaningful non-work interactions I was dejected. Logically, it’s tough for me to complain since I know I’ve done this to tons of folks who have not met my “friend” criteria. It’s hard for me to believe that I don’t meet this persons criteria so, in my mind, they think I’m creepy or insane.

I find myself at a loss for what to do next. Socially inept but wanting to badly to be accepted. It’s so “middle-school” and yet I cannot bring myself to want it any less.

“I think we made a mistake”. That’s what Brian said after describing how our pool contractor was screwing us. With ultimate confidence we walked through everything he was sure they weren’t telling us. I made a mistake when I married my husband. It’s been 15-years and I’ve never written or said that before. I’ve never let myself believe it. The irony is that he’s been telling me the same thing since before we were married. I don’t mean that I don’t love him because I do but he doesn’t love me.

In the beginning I thought this was perfect. I never wanted to be loved. I never thought I deserved to be loved. I didn’t want to hurt anybody and I was a mess. I found and married the guy who was a bigger mess than I was. For a while it worked but then something happened. I got sick of hating myself. I’m not in love with my husband anymore. It’s impossible to be in love with somebody who hates themselves completely. I know, I was that person.

So what now? Nothing. I still love him and care about him. As long as he will stay with me I’m his. But I won’t be his emotional punching bag and that may be enough to end this relationship. I wish I still knew how to cry over this.

Some days the world feels so small. Today was one of those days that made me feel like the center of my own world. I should start by saying that the last few days have been a mental struggle. I’ve been burring myself in my work, really attacking it with an urgency that is difficult to explain and completely unsustainable. I’ve also been thinking a ton about people I find incredibly interesting who don’t really know I exist. There’s something demoralizing about wanting to know so much about somebody and having them care so little about you in return. I suppose you could say it’s like the adult version of being left out of the popular crowd. I was also feeling the pressure of being selected as “high potential candidate” and all that may entail.

I’ll spare the details of the day and just say that I discovered one of my other coworkers is also a “high potential candidate”, I lead my first work bike ride, and I spent an hour teaching my employee how to not over write code. By 3:30 I was done and was headed out for some impromptu beer with coworkers.

We had a great time talking and drinking and I felt much better after an hour and half of this. When we turned to go, somebody mentioned that there was another work group behind us. When I looked back, I saw one of the “popular” kids and he waved at me. It’s stupid. I mean it sounds even worse to write it down but I felt accepted.

Then, to add to this miracle, I drove over to MJs to pick up a helmet and some decals and when I got out of the car I saw Colin and JM. Colin is super cool but also very excepting and easy to be around. JM I find fascinating and completely exclusive. He also spent a good 15-min talking to me! I usually completely trip over myself when I’m around him and his friends but I was already feeling so good that I wasn’t nervous at all and we had a great conversation.

The universe did me a solid today. When I think back on this day there will be a look, a wave, and a nod that I remember vividly. On my way back from JMs, I passed a bunch of higher ups in my company as well and I really reflected on how small my little world is and how much I appreciate knowing somebody almost everywhere I go.

If this were a TV series episode, it would open with the photo of me below. There are days when the most unexpected things happen and remembering how to you got here is half the fun. So, today’s episode starts out with Chris, Lindsey, Robert, Matt, and Charlie on the roof of our office building, with beer, preparing to watch me drive a go kart around the roof.

The day started off innocuous enough, the Monday of the last week of the year. The building is half empty, it’s 9:00 in the morning and I’m already on edge having picked a fight with one of the managers in Singapore (a fight I couldn’t win).

I passed Robert in the kitchen and was going to keep going when I thought I heard him say something to me. With a huge grin on his face, he tells me Matt has a go kart that would fit me perfectly. He and Charlie had spent the weekend welding a roll cage to it. Both had test driven it and had a ton of fun. So where was this go kart… in the back of Robert’s truck.

I asked him if he thought I could drive it on the roof, to which he replied “Why not.” I immediately asked Matt if it was cool. Pretty soon the time and place was set; Roof @ 3:30. As the time approaches, Robert starts to get pretty anxious and starts trying to sell me that it’s not a good idea ;). I’m not buying given that he’s the one who told me I should drive it in the first place.

Also as the day goes on, I’m able to get in touch with Chris about the fight I picked with SLI. He’s out of office but happens to be downtown and headed out way right at 3:30. Robert, Charlie, and I literally open the stairwell door on to Chris and Lindsey who were just coming in to find us. We’re all grins as I mumble “Go karts on the roof, now!” while trying to hold back laughter. I put my lip to my finger to hush him as he tries to repeat what he thought I said. After all, we were on a covert mission. Even though Chris doesn’t completely understand what I’m saying, he knows it’s gonna be good.

So, here I sit in a go kart for a 10-year old. I’ve never driven one before and I have no idea what I’m in for but I’m pretty sure it will be amazing and a once in a lifetime opportunity. I’m also pretty sure I can’t get fired for this. I’ve got my helmet and driving gloves on for good measure (all Giro!).

Off we go! It takes a little while to get used to driving with two feet. The seat is only connected on the top too, so while my instinct is to use my weight to stay stable I’m actually moving all over the place.

The part of the garage we’re on is a split tier with a stair from the bottom to the top. It’s basically 180deg turns over and over again. As I come to the end of the garage, I try pushing the speed. I get a little confused on the breaking and give it gas too early. I’m headed for the railing so I slam the break while I’m still giving it gas and I pull the steering as hard as I can. I loose the rear end and start sliding towards the other railing. At the last minute the wheels catch and the whole thing shoots left, towards the opposite side of the garage. I gain control and head back down to the crowd, who all have their jaws on the floor.

So I can now cross off go karting on the roof of my office building from my bucket list. Thanks Robert and Matt!!

 

I don’t get a chance to write as much as I would like so, often, these posts end up filled with thoughts from throughout the week. The first time I thought of posting this week was when I heard of the passing of Erica Greif of the Zoca-Halo sports team. Rather than being killed on her bike (as one might expect) she was killed in a head-on collision on her way to a bicycle race. She took an exam at her University early in the morning, then gave a presentation, then she packed up and drove from Reno to Highland, CA. Sometime after midnight, her car collided with another head-on.

When I first heard this I felt terrible for assuming that the accident was Erica’s fault. As I spoke to others I found the same assumption was common. The thing is, it takes a certain type of person to be an elite athlete. You can’t believe there are any limits to what you can do and what you can ask of your body. Perhaps she took a long nap between her test and the presentation. Maybe she was well rested when she hit the road; but maybe not. The thing is, she wouldn’t have stopped even if she was too tired. Winners can’t have limits. They just can’t. There’s a fine line between having excuses and knowing your limits. To win a race you have to ask unbelievable things of your body. I have lined up for races 18-hours after getting off of 26-hours of international travel. I’ve raced on 4-hours sleep. The risks are less but still high and the mentality is hard to dismiss. I morn for all those who knew her.
The day after hearing this, I lined up to race. Me, Kate, Kirsten, Julie, and Ash. I wore my camera to document what the race looked like. I had been really disappointed in the race before and was determined to redeem myself. In the end, I documented for all time some complete bone-head moves on my part. I lost it during the race. I didn’t race smart and I was desperate to make up for it at the end. I took unnecessary risks and didn’t even use the outcome wisely. The worst part was having to listen to Kate’s critique of my race. While I know I’ll be better for it in the end, it was a very bitter pill to swallow.

Finally I ended the week with Nadia’s wedding. It was so much fun to hang out with everybody. She was beautiful and totally Nadia. We had fun dancing and talking and taking lots of photos. It rained heavily but only during the actual ceremony (which was only 20-minutes). The rest was perfect!