Yesterday I had a near panic attack. Hell, it could have been an actual panic attack for all I know. I tend to live on the edge of crazy. The end result was a gasping, panicked call to my husband in CA and 4 hours of restless sleep. 24-hours removed I can see how incredibly silly it was but at the time my world neared its end.
I left work early today since I was completely exhausted and needed to recenter myself. On my way out I ran into John at RGB. Cyclist, Yogi, and business owner he is my picture of balance. Oddly, our conversation quickly strayed to offseason weight gains. This is just another example of how completely skewed our perceptions can be. Our race weights are insane and border on unhealthy. Yes, I have a slight roll over my jeans when I sit. Sometimes it’s all I can feel. In my mind, that extra 5lbs is actually 15. While we both laughed off that we were bat-shit crazy and had self image issues you could also tell we were still going to be self conscious about it.
As much as I say I crave balance I run from it when given the choice. Balance feels like a cop-out to me; a way of not putting your all into something. I don’t know how to live like that.
Snapshot
Right Now
Place // Home, sitting on my couch
What I’m currently doing // Watching TV and getting ready for bed
What I wish I was doing // Crafting. I haven’t had a chance in weeks an there have been a number of really awesome challenges lately.
What I should be doing // Too many things to list.
Last Week
Proudest moment // I had some really good conversations with my boss this week that really gave me confidence that I’m ready to be a manager.
Funniest moment // Jana riding into town with this crazy electrical tape solution on her blown-out tire. It came off at one point, flapping as she rode. Kate and I were crying we were laughing so hard.
Favorite moment with my husband //Â He smoked some incredible ribs on Sunday. Jen and Todd came over and we all just hung out. It was a really nice night.
Favorite moment with my dogs //  I can’t think of anything this week.
This Week
Biggest stressor // Work! Work! Work! 4-week countdown to launch
Thing I’m looking forward to // Drinks with Jess! She’s back in down for a quick weekend and I can’t wait to see her! Also going over the first drawing for my bike with Robbie and Brant
From the ashes
I think it’s hilarious that I planned on doing race reports here. Now that I’m actually racing well, I realize how much the races are all the same. There’s really nothing to report. We went in circles 20-times. At some points there were primes. I went more most of them and got some of them. Then we sprinted for the finish. My results this year have been great; especially in crits. I never thought I’d be a crit racer but I am.
So to try and keep this thing alive I’m starting a meme that I will try to do weekly. I don’t have to update it every week or on a particular day so it gives me some flexibility. I’m calling these updatees “my Life”.
Right Now
Place // Home, sitting at the bar
What I’m currently doing // Getting ready to finally plan our vacation to Maine
What I wish I was doing // Riding my bike
What I should be doing // A mix of riding my bike and working. I have requirements for both
Last Week
Proudest moment // Presenting with Martin at the Symposium. We presented a paper on using an MCU to run test code in production test. I think it went over really well. I had a ton of audio problems which really got me off to a bad start but I feel like I got the message across.
Funniest moment // I developed this huge, scabbed zit on my nose. I had it the whole day on Monday, including during and interview and the dry run of my presentation in front of all my co-workers. It was a huge elephant in the in the room. Afterwards, we were discussing something later in the day and I said “I’ll try to be there. I really want get home and deal with this thing that’s growing out of my face“. That made us all laugh.
Favorite moment with My husband //Â He’s been super nice to be around. I think my favorite moment was when he asked me my opinion of a test circuit he developed.
Favorite moment with my dogs //Â They’ve been cooped up with little attention and play time. Wednesday, Callie went nuts and grabbed the red ball Bennett had. They stayed like that playing tug-of-war with the ball for 5-min or more. It looked like they were kissing.
This Week
Biggest stressor // These sores on my face. It was only one but I’ve developed a second one. I’m on antibiotics now so hopefully they go away soon. The last thing I need right now is a medical issue.
Thing I’m looking forward to //Getting back into the swing of things. Symposium week is always tough, even when I’m not presenting. I end up spending about 12-hours at work with no break.
A Friend Indeed
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my connections with others. I suppose I mean friendships, though that word doesn’t really seem right. I don’t think I’ve ever had “friendships†in the traditional sense. I’m not willing to make the effort to conform my life to somebody else’s. I have acquaintances. I do things with people who appreciate the same things I do. If they didn’t, I wouldn’t spend time with them. That sounds so cold to say but it’s how I’ve been my whole life. I am more than willing to let people disappear from my life if they don’t fit.
It’s strange the way it happens. I’ll just stop calling people that seemed so close to me. One day I just can’t think of anything to talk about. Or worse, I start to find everything they say uninteresting, trite, or meaningless. There seems to be no pattern that could possibly predict the outcome. It’s as if I wake up one morning and see then differently. From that day on, it’s never the same.
Even with my parents there was a day that all I could see was my how insecure, gullible, and lonely my mom was or how feeble and over-compensating my dad was. It has to be this way I’m sure; part of the process to wean us from our childhoods. I never expected it would continue though out adult lives.
I also think it’s too easy for friends to take advantage of the relationship. Friends can be bullies, manipulators, and even downright abusive at times. I used to accept it because I didn’t want to fight, or anger people. I didn’t want to disappoint my “friendâ€. I’m over that. I’ve realized that if you let them, they will slip away without every trying to save the relationship. So many times it’s just better that way.
Tour of New Braunfels – Road Race Report
I could not have done a worse job of predicting how this race would unfold. The race started out with Amanda and I on the front. We rolled easy knowing the course was difficult and we would have plenty of time. The first efforts came on the rise to the first turn. Nobody attacked but the effort definitely increased. Amanda and I took the opportunity to get off the front and scope the competition. I stayed second wheel thinking there would be a separation soon. We made the first turn and the second turn and we were still mostly together. I was up front in the stiff cross wind and knew I would need some protection. I played everything well and was able to convince somebody to protect me whenever I needed it.
I was also able to cover every attack. I did not initiate anything but did try to keep breaks going when I bridged. I was very active in this way. I tried to convince others to do the same but the group seemed intent on staying together. At about 4 miles to go, we were neutralized. Nobody was allowed to progress during this time. The pace slowed and we waited for word from the officials that our race was back on. I was second wheel during this time. The race was commenced with about 2 miles to go. Everybody had caught up and recovered by then so it was really just a 2-mile effort. I knew that the strongest girl was going to attack and I planned to be on it. I had completely misunderstood when she was going to attack so when she did, I thought we were closer to the finish than we are. She slowed, and I kept going thinking this was it. I was on my own when we turned the corner and I realized we still had a few hundred meters. My plan disintegrated and, instead of trying to say on the first wheel that passed, I went backwards. I just freaked out and didn’t know what to do. The next thing I knew we were sprinting. The timing on my part could not have been worse. The girl I followed won and I came in 14th. 14th in a race where I was never more than 4-wheels back. Where we had it so strung out before neutralization that there was no way I was going to get any worse than 7th!!
I’m furious at myself for not fighting harder. I gave up and it lost me the race. You can’t win and not risk anything. The minute I realized my mistake, I should have backed off slightly, lowered my cadence and gotten ready for a big dig whenever somebody came around me. It’s so easy to rationalize that now the problem is that I can’t make those decisions when it counts.
Greetings From Mid-pack
Tomorrow I’ll officially start racing my 2013 season with the Tour of New Braunfels. Two weeks ago, I wasn’t thinking about my season at all. I assumed I’d start in mid February with Walberg or something. I was sure I would not race New Braunfels. Then one of my teammates put together a pre-ride of the new course. The pre-ride happened to correspond with a huge debate within the club about whether racing should be part of the mission. As part of this debate, my commitment to racing was called out. If there’s one way to get me to do something it’s telling me I can’t/won’t do it. So two weeks ago I rode one of the most difficult courses I’ve ever ridden. The next day I started race training, and 10-days later I was registered.
The background is that I started my race career at New Braunfels. It was my first race, my first crash, and my first DNF. I swore I would never do it again because the course is too easy and the racers too inexperienced. This year’s course is uphill for the first 10-miles. With that aggressive a course, the race should break up quickly making crashes unlikely. That’s really my only requirement for race right now. I have no idea how I’ll do on this course against this field. I’ve finished mid-pack in ever road race I’ve ever done, no matter how well I thought I was riding. It’s also been 2 ½ years since my last road race.
So I hope you will all eagerly await my report from tomorrow’s race. I have no predictions except that it will be very difficult. It will be windy so I’ll need to stay protected. The wind is supposed to shift from NNE to ENE during the race which will mean a head-wind/cross wind for most of the race. I need to be on the west side coming back down the river. Well, until tomorrow.
A New Year, a New Day
Now that it’s officially February, I suppose it’s safe to talk about my new year’s resolutions. Committing to something for a whole year is a little overwhelming so let’s just call them goals. I’m going to take a quick moment here to reflect on last year’s resolutions.
- Walk the dogs at least twice a week – I stopped doing this after Fozzy was diagnosed with cancer in January. Sadly I only put this on the list because I noticed Fozzy favoring one leg and thought it was because his hips were getting bad. This resolution was part of my plan to rehab him.
- Work less than 45 hours a week – Looking back, this goal was not aggressive enough. I worked about 43-hours a week and I was over worked. The plan should be 40-hours on average and I should be taking my comp time where it’s owed.
- Have my hardware removed – Nope! I did finally get the cyst removed from my foot though.
- Go paperless – I mostly achieved this. We still get a ton of paper mail and I have not been great about scanning it all but I’m getting there.
So what’s in store for this year? This should be the point where I admit that I am stretched too thin and talk about paring things back to focus on a few things I enjoy; but it’s not. If anything I want to take on more this year but be smarter about it.
- Cycling – I want to race my bike and be a competitor this year. I want to love it instead of feeling tentative and nervous. I want to get enough sleep that I don’t feel too dead to do my workouts. I want to cat up but we’ll see if that’s really in the cards. I also want to win a driveway or two.
- Work – I seem to be such a turning point in my career. I should be more ambitious than I am but all I really want is some balance here. I want to do well and be recognized for my work. That goal is not very SMART at all.
- Family – I want to feel close to Callie. She is no Fozzy but I still feel like there is a relationship waiting to bloom. I want to spend more time with Brian but I also feel like we’re in a really good place.
- Crafting – I really need this to happen again. I don’t think I made anything this year except my Christmas cards. The craft room was kind of off limits for the 5-months Jen lived with us so I just didn’t craft much.
This year I feel change is in the air. I can’t say how or when but I’m exhausted by certain facets of my life and I know I need change. I think that much of this comes down to my inability to be close to people. I have acquaintances but I don’t really have friends. Being a part of social groups I know I don’t fit into is incredibly difficult.
The Words to Say
There are so many things I would love to write about here but I only seem to find the introspection when I’m not at my computer. By the time I sit down to type, I’m surrounded by distraction and my posts never quite come together. You can imagine my surprise then when my email to Brant turned into a blog post. The purpose of the email was to explain that I had swapped my workout with tomorrows because I wasn’t going to ride my bike today and wanted to do the intervals tomorrow. Instead, I ended up writing the following, which I edited before sending.
Hey, I signed up for pedal hard tomorrow. I’m swapping today’s workout with tomorrow’s because I’m not doing a workout today. I feel fine but I need a break mentally that sitting on a trainer won’t give me. The thought of watching the seconds tick by on my computer while waiting for my ass to go numb is nauseating to me right now. I would love to ride outside but my day passed me by in less than a minute and now it’s cloudy, cold, and miserable. I know that riding in this weather will transform my ride from the distraction I need to just another checkbox. My bike is usually where I go decompress but today just isn’t going to work and I’m not willing to force it.
Just like that, I had more words than I’ve had in months. I hit a wall today. I’ve had a severe pain in my chest for over a week now. I thought I strained something coughing but I swear, if anything it’s gotten worse since my cough went away. I’m pretty sure that Callie has the pee-problem that MacKenzie did. Some days she just pee’s. She’ll do it multiple times a night, wherever she’s sitting, like she has no control over it at all. And this weekend everything went from bad to worse. The latest wafer didn’t yield so I can’t deliver parts to the team, and the qual failure I swore wasn’t a bid deal turned out to be a real failure. On top of all my problems, Jim confirmed that the first failure was actually a big, huge, showstopper. The worst thing though, the thing that completely drained me of my will to do the one thing I love, is that in spite of all of this information my boss said we were still going to launch. These are the days I become Dilbert and face my very own pointer-haired-manager.
The one upside to my day was the email I got from JP an hour ago that powers that be had pulled their heads out of their asses and canceled the launch. Hallelujah and Amen. I have seen the light!
When the Weather Outside is Frightful
A cyclist will define a “good” friend as one that convinces them to do things that ordinary people would never do. Today, that thing was showing up to a ride when the weather conditions were 38F with 20mph wind (gusting up to 30mph). In parenthesis, it said “feels like 28F”. It took me 4 clothing changes before I was ready to brave this one. Selecting clothing is so much more than the temperature. A sunny day can feel 10 degrees warmer than a cloudy day and a windy day can feel 10 degrees colder. I finally decided on tights, knee warmers, shoe covers, bibs, short-sleeved base layer, jersey, arm-warmers, and a long sleeved jersey. I was worried about my selection until I saw that SG was dressed almost the same as I was.
We headed out into the headwind and averaged about 12mph. The pulls were awful and with only 10 of us, pulls came often. It was painful and most of me was numb. We joked that we must be nuts to show up to such a miserable ride. We all joked that were kept warm by the love of our teammates. Somehow we managed to laugh and enjoy ourselves. On this ride we didn’t have too many extra breaths to waste but when we had them we spent them laughing. When we were about 7-miles from home, one of the girls declared she would have to stop and pee. We didn’t have too many options so we stopped at a school that had a big stone sign that hid the girls from the waste down. Then they popped up, in only sports bra, DS snapped a photo. It was pretty funny.
This was a really hard ride for me being my first ride in 4-weeks. My HR was high but I think that was to be expected given that it was such a windy ride.
Two Wrongs make a Right?
I might have hit a new low for myself today. Brian and I completed our usual round the world trip for Christmas. Half way though I got sick; and stayed sick when I got back. I missed the Sunday ride, and then the New Years ride, and then all my workouts that week. After two weeks I was itching to get back on the bike. I did an easy spin Friday to wake my legs up a little and could tell I was a little off. Still, SG had hooked us up with a group pedal hard session in the morning and I didn’t want to miss it.
I showed up with the group but did my own workout; an easy hour <115Watts. It sounded easy but I felt over heated through the whole workout and my HR was much higher than it should have been (by my estimation anyway). Even though I knew I didn’t feel right, I was willing to knock it up to being off the bike for so long. The next day, the group was going to Hutto (my favorite!) and I really wanted to go.
Since Brant was at Pedal Hard that morning, I asked him if he thought it would be ok. We talked about how I felt and I was honest but gave the more optimistic side of things. That afternoon, I found myself completely exhausted that and slept the whole day. The next morning, we were supposed to ride to Hutto (my favorite route!). When my alarm went off I knew I wasn’t going. I just couldn’t’ get myself out of bed. I stayed in bed until almost lunch. Then I moved upstairs and slept some more.
Sooo, here comes the part I don’t feel so great about. After sleeping the whole weekend, I felt like I deserved some time to myself. Even though I knew I was feeling much better and could go to work, I called in sick. My plan was to sleep in to ensure I got a ton of rest, then work from home, then get in a workout.
Brant had filled in my whole week and noted that I didn’t load the Hutto ride. Now here’s the thing about Brant, if he thinks you’re sick you’re off the bike. I realize that I pay him good money for this great advice but I just had to get some rides in. So on top of calling in sick when I could have forced myself through a day of work I uploaded an old workout to Training Peaks. I honestly feel worse about this than I do about calling into work sick. I’ve done my time at work and I ended up working more than 6-hours today. I hate that I lied to Brant. That just makes me feel pathetic.