The Job I Was Never Offered
A few weeks ago my manager made an off statement about me taking his job. I was caught very off guard but was pretty sure he was serious. As our self evaluation cycle came to a close I was pretty sure I would be faced with a decision. So in my weekly meeting my manager says something along the lines of
I need to write some proposals for how this group is going to be structured this year and I need to know where you see your career is headed”
These words strike fear into my heart in a way I can’t explain. I don’t know where my career is headed. I have have no idea what I want. I never do really. I move where I’m needed, I fill holes, I do what nobody else will. I’m not a great technical leader. I’m a master of details and I don’t know how to fail. So where does that leave me. I can’t imagine a day when I won’t know how to open a unix terminal and I can’t imagine a day where I’m a technical master. I don’t know where I fit.
I should be very clear that there is no offer. There are things afoot and proposals to be made. Basically, my manager wants to ensure that if he recommends me, I won’t turn it down. I have a really difficult time picturing myself 5-years from now. Most of the time I have a hard time picturing myself 1-year from now. I don’t feel old enough to handle this level of responsibility and yet I know I’m already doing 50% of the job. My hear
116-Miles Later
After last weeks great ride I was excited to test myself. The Coach put 2-group rides on my schedule so I even had permission to test myself. Friday came around with no signs of a Saturday ride and I was getting nervous. A quick email go SG got things rolling and within an hour we had a group of 9.
Saturday was warm and a bit windier than I’d hoped. I played it safe in the beginning staying towards the back. Before I knew it though I was on the front. I felt pretty good, though a little sore from Driven Performance on Thursday. It felt like I pulled a ton and I wished I had a way of tracking that. Even with the work I did on the front, my average HR was 156. For me this was really good. We kept up an average speed of 18.4mph and I was on the front more than usual.
When we finally made it to the gas station, SG was complaining about injuring her foot on the stairs the night before. When she took off her shoe, her toe was totally jacked to the side. Jana and I immediately gave each other an “ohh shit” look. He foot was obviously broken.
Sunday I was surprised to see SG again. Her foot wasn’t as jacked but was incredibly swollen. We still rode 45 miles or so. The ride felt so much harder than the day before. I could feel my legs were tired. Every time I looked down, I saw a HR that was higher than I’d like and I didn’t feel like I was recovering at all. I was shocked to find my HR was only 143bpm. Hour average speed was also slower at 16.6mph but we also had 3 less people to take pulls. Again, I felt I was on the front more than 1/4 of the ride (which is alot for me).
The best though was that night when I get a multimedia message with an x-ray of her foot and one bone is completely broken in two; 116-miles later.
“Let her try”
Long ago I had aspirations that this blog would capture the crazy “balance” of an armature athlete in the cycling community. I think my post-ride naps have all but killed that dream. The 2012 season is now at a close and we’re all enjoying the off-season and thinking of the season to come. With that comes all the drama of finding the right home. I’ve never imagined not racing for AFWC until this year. I’m just not sure what our focus is and it sure doesn’t seem to be racing. As an officer, I’m going to stick it out one more year but then I have to face the fact that I might be moving on.
This weeks ride was one of those that reminds me that this whole thing is only one aspect of our lives. I’m always blown away how much I need to be reminded of this. It was one of those rides I think everybody thought about skipping. Probably because it was windy, the holidays are fast approaching, there’s just too much going on. I wanted to sleep through it but when I woke up a full hour before my alarm went off I knew that wasn’t going to happen.
The ride started fine; pleasant in fact. I was surprised to see almost all of the regular players at the same time. Kate rolled up at the vary last minute. She looked less than committed but was there none the less. All in all, we rolled out with 14 women including 4 non-members. Things were fine until we got to the top of the long drag where the long group usually turns left. We’re all slowing down when SG starts yelling “straight!! straight!!”. Kate continues to peal off to the left. While SG was trying to figure out what was going on the rest of us had slowed and SG, looking to the left, runs into my wheel and goes down. This is no high-speed collision by any stretch and I’m able to pull forward and stay upright. It turns out Kate had to take a “natural brake”, not that any of us knew that.
SG checks out herself and her bike and then, with a look of vengeance in her eyes, hops on her bike and takes off at what must have been close to LT. The rest of us do our best to grab on for the ride. Kate is still fully drawers down and can’t see us to even know what’s happened. It’s unspoken but most of us in the pack know what’s happening now. After about 10-minutes of Kate chasing us into the wind
Vanessa: Hey, Kate’s trying to catch on to us. Can we slow down a bit.”
Shontell (without missing a beat): “Let her try!! I’ve got some blood I’d like to wipe on her if she does.”
Kate does catch us because she’s a monster. She goes to the front to find out what happened and an argument ensues and she turns around and heads home. I think that is some of us had realized she was turning around, we might have joined her. Someday it will seem odd to me that all of this occurs while we’re moving at 20mph 3feet from each other. For now, that all seems like a totally normal way to spend 3-hours.
The ride ended up being much harder than anticipated because SG was just pissed off. We dropped Amanda twice and had to send Jana back to get here. Even though it was emotional and grueling, It still felt like a team. We didn’t leave anybody behind. Some days I love SG for that.
The really funny part was when we rolled up to the shop the same time as the shorter group was arriving back. They looked all fresh and happy and we looked like something the cat dragged in. We compared war stories over brown cows and called it a good day.
Stuff That Has Been Hanging Out in a Special Firefox “Group” for Over a Month Now
I’m feeling remarkably productive today. I woke up early without an alarm and I’m coming hot off a great ride and getting a number of my Christmas cards done. While I could be taking on some long, slogging, difficult projects at work, I’m going to take a few moments to cross a ton of little things off my list. It just feels so good to make those check-marks.
So, when I find something cool at work, I usually just hide it away in a separate firefox group. That way it doesn’t weigh down my current view with too many tabs but I still have access to it in case I want to show somebody later. Well it’s time to close those tabs and, subsequently, share this awesomeness with all my loyal readers (that would be none as I have done a piss-poor job of defining this blog). So, without further adieu, stuff I like.
Interesting Stuff
- My trip into West Nile purgatory – I didn’t make a big deal about it, but back in late August I had west nile fever. No, not the neuroinvasive thing that turns people into vegetables just the worst fatique/fever/headache combination ever. I was out of work for a whole week and was barely functional during that time. The worst part was the lingering fatigue. I could not get over how tired I was all the time, for almost two months. For somebody as fit as myself, this was unheard of. It was impossible for me to explain to coworkers, who are used to me having more energy than their 8-yearold sons, that I could barely stay awake for 8-hours. Finally, I found this article and felt some peace that I wasn’t crazy.
- A Very European Breakup – A really funny video with a number of innuendos to the debt crisis in Greece.
- It’s a Small World animation – A silly animation that allows to to scroll and zoom through a 2-deminsional world. Along the way, there are all kinds of hidden nods to my generation (starwars, mario brothers, and hitchhikers guide)
To Be a Lowly Product Engineer
This blog is a delicate balance of a documentary of the time and the trite day-to-day of a thirty-something. Lately I’ve only wanted to write about the trite nothings so this blog has been idle. I’ve started entries over the last couple days but only gotten a few lines in. Everything seems to need so much background then, three paragraphs in, I realize how trite the entry has become.
Today we interviewed a girl for a position at my company. Actually, we interviewed her for 3 positions. This is how we handle new-grad hiring now. We throw them at a few groups and see if they stick to any. I was a stand in for my manager who’d out and had very little notice that I was going to interview at all. I rarely ask technical questions because I feel like I’m a great judge of character and I leave it to others to gauge the capability of the person. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me uncomfortable to make other people uncomfortable. I’m an easy interview and I know it. Still, she was very intelligent, well spoken, and eager. I thought she would make a good new grad hirer but I wasn’t sure she would really be interested in my job. When we all got together to talk afterwards, the other groups did not like her. None of them recommended her for hirer, only me. My first reaction to that was feeling stupid, like I got duped or something. Then I got frustrated that I let others affect my opinion so much.
The req was for a new grad and most of the jobs at the company require a masters from a new grad. Some of the complaints were that she was too far removed from her base level engineering classes. She seemed like more of a scientist than an engineer, and that she didn’t have any practical experience. I feel like the expectations of these groups was way off base. It takes a different mind to do product and I think she was a good fit, I just don’t know if she would enjoy it and stay long term.
My Crippled Foot
Friday I went in to have a small lump on my food looked at. I’ve had it for almost 5-years and haven’t done anything about it. I went into this appointment expecting to have it checked out and schedule surgery for, hmm, December maybe. Something right before Christmas will work for me. I was not prepared for the surgeon to schedule me for surgery 4-days later. Apparently they worry about cancer with these kinds of things and they take that pretty seriously. I was not prepared at all to be out of commission for any length of time so I schedule the surgery with local only. This is a big deal! I am terrified of needles and the thought of things cutting my skin.
Now I can take pain and I’m a pretty brave person but I was making sounds like a wounded animal before they even stuck the first needle in. The next 25 minutes were a mix of me making faces like I smelled some wicked back fart and letting out the occasional whimper. They kept telling me “It won’t hurt but you’ll feel pressureâ€. I had no idea what this meant. What they should say is “it won’t hurt but you’ll know exactly what we’re doingâ€. You can feel the skin pull and tug with everything they do and it’s essentially a play by play. I could tell when the first incision was made, when the cyst was cut out, and when the sutures were being put in.
Then I got bandaged. This is where it gets odd. I got bandaged like I lost a foot. I must have 15-feet of gauze on my foot, looped in a crazy 8-pattern 10 times then covered in another 5-feet of that sticky bandage stuff I use on my dogs. Finally, I got a special shoe that prevents my foot from bending. After all that, he tells me I have 3-whole stitches… THREE!!! What would they do if I had needed 20-stitches? I’d probably be bedridden.
The sad thing is I’m sure that my insurance paid somewhere around $350 for gauze, and ace bandage, and a plastic shoe. Ten-years ago, they would have slapped a band-aid on 3-stitches and sent me on my way. The best, though, is that I have to wear this overkill for 10-days. Seriously people?
She’s no Fozzy Dog
Dear Fozzy,
Yesterday we brought home a new puppy. Bennett has been so depressed since you passed. I have been too but at least I understand. I’m so thankful for the years you gave me but it was time to try and move on. For a while I tried to convince Brian to let me get a Doberman. It was my attempt to replace you when, really, there’s not replacing you. I wasn’t really looking but I found a great little girl. She’s about half your size and we’re naming her Siena.
She’s no Fozzy dog. I’ve told her that many times but really I need to tell myself. I think of you all the time. Even as we were bringing her home we reminisced about your first days; when you pooped in the back of the XTerra on the way back from the vet, when piddled every time the lights went out for bedtime, or when it took you a month to lean “sitâ€. I remember how awful you were in your puppy training class. You’d wrestle with your leash, and try to get my attention. Then, after interrupting the entire class, you’d just look up at me with those happy eyes. You were always the happiest puppy ever.
Ohh, what a good dog you became. You learned to do everything we asked of you. I love how you pointed out dinner every night, how excited you were for puppy-cookies, and how much you loved taking walks. But mostly you snuggled. You were my shadow and part of me died with you.
I know Siena won’t be you, but I hope I find she’s very special in her own way. I’m a little scared that I will never love a puppy like I loved you. I feel guilty when I hope I’m wrong.
Love you baby-boy,
Mom
An Unexpected Addition
Well I’m now the owner of a new 5-month old, to-be-named, lab-mix puppy. Trust me when I say this was the last thing I expected this weekend. I wasn’t even looking for a dog but Friday I had a bout of the Fozzy-missings and the only cure is the humane society website. They had a huge number of dogs come into the shelter and a few of them looked like good matches.
The problem was that the shelter opened at noon and I had a wedding at two. I worked out a schedule that, if executed perfectly, would get me to the wedding on time. Now I should state, I am terrible at taking the uncontrollable into account in my schedules. For instance, finding a trainer to get the dog into a visitation room for me or the long line I had to wait in to put a hold on her. My schedule had me leaving the shelter at 12:45 and barely having enough time to through my dress on before running out the door. What time did I leave? 1:20. I don’t know why I didn’t realize right away that I couldn’t make it home. In one of my more embarrassing moments, I had to have Brian bring my dress and shoes to a gas station where I changed in roughly 1 and a half minutes.
Right as I was ripping my clothes off, a women walks into the bathroom. I apologized and explained I had a wedding emergency. She laughed and responded that she had an entirely different type of emergency. By the time she was out of the stall I was completely changed and ready to go. She did a double take then complemented my dress. Guess I can pull off a good gas station change. Luckily, the reception was very close to our house so we had time to stop off before the reception so I could finish getting ready before the reception.
Both the ceremony and the reception were beautiful. I think all that talk of “better and worse†convinced Brian not to kill me for almost making him late to a Catholic wedding. I must be truly blessed because he also agreed to see the dog the next day.
She here we are, with a new dog. We’re figuring it out; remembering how to be completely on our guard. One thing about me is that I don’t like the latest thing. I’ll replace what I have with an identical replacement. I know I will love this puppy but right now, I’m just waiting to form some bond with her. If anything, new puppies make me love my old puppy more. I know this will change but I hate the waiting.
The Last Endeavour
There are some days you just never forget. I never thought today would be one of them but it is now. Late last night NASA announced that the retired shuttle Endeavour would be flying over the Texas capital on its way to Los Angeles. They announced it late enough that I was already in bed. I wouldn’t have known anything about it except that I got an IM asking if I had time to watch the shuttle fly by from the roof.
I know a ton of folks at NASA and even more that are just space-junkies so I’ve seen my share of fly-over photos. Typically, the shuttle is pretty far off, and even zoomed in you can only kind of see the double wings from the shuttle on the 747. Still, the opportunity to see it myself was too awesome to pass up. Even as I grabbed my coat, I told myself I probably wouldn’t be able to see anything.
There were about 7 of us on the roof, waiting, looking, and wondering what we’d be able to see. As any group of engineers, we spent 10-minutes analyzing which of our two rooftops would have a better view of the capital. Just as we had determined that we probably wouldn’t be able to see it there it was.
I hope that I never get to a point in my life where I cannot recall the image of the shuttle coming towards us out of the rising sun.  Hollywood could never have created a scene so breathtakingly awesome. It was flying so much lower than we had expected. It seemed to be coming right towards us through the Austonian and the Ashton. It continued, slowly flying just across 8th street. I couldn’t help tearing up a little. I grew up with the space program and this was a sad reminder that those days are gone.
A sad state of … the floors?
I had been having the housekeeper I hired last month come every two weeks. The plan had been every three weeks but somebody’s dog is a bit of a shedder. You would think my dog was the culprit because it outweighs the other one by about 11:1 but no. I tried to make this obvious by shaving all the hair off my dog as if Jen would all of a sudden wonder where all the hair was coming from and PICK UP THE VACUUM. Sadly, this did not happen.
Anyway, so yesterday I was in the kitchen washing dishes and Jen was eating her dinner and I was talking about how I was planning to have the housekeeper come only once every 3-weeks instead of every two. It was an informal conversation and I really didn’t expect any feedback. However, Jen responds, “Well, your floors really needed it every 2-weeks… and some other things too”
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I’m going to pause here for a moment to give you time to think about this little tid-bit because that’s EXACTLY what my brain did. At first I thought, she must be joking. A quick glance in her direction confirmed that she was still idly flipping through her magazine with no sign of comedy on her face.
At this point, enough time had passed that I couldn’t really come back with a good comment like “Some people might find commenting on the cleanliness of their floors rude. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am totally not one of those people but some people might” or “I don’t know how things worked in Hell New York…”. No, all I could muster was a “We’ll see.” while my brain was saying, “Yes, we will see how this house looks after you’re amazing never-ending fur ball is out of here”.
Today I confirmed with Holly that it is in fact rude to comment on the state of a floor that you do not vacuum. That’s actually the rule, you cannot comment on the cleanliness of something you do not clean. Husbands, are you listening!