One Week
A few weeks back, Jen was complaining that she’s been here over a month and hadn’t seen any live music. We don’t do live music much. Mostly because Brian is a hermit and I’m in bed by 9:00. We’ve tried a few times only to be reminded how late the main act actually goes on. Ohh yes, that ticket for Bob Schneider might say 7:30 but rest assured that we won’t even be awake until after 10:00. So while we’ve purchased bob tickets before, we’ve never actually seen him.
Anyway, shortly after this conversation, I was offered free tickets to my pick of shows at the Moody Theater. There were a number of acts to choose from but the only one that I was interested in was Barenaked Ladies. Even if you don’t like their music, the shows are always entertaining. I figured it would be a good place to take Jen too.
The seats ended up being pretty fantastic. We were in the mezzanine 1 section just off to the size of the stage. The sound is amazing no matter where you sit but you could actually see from these seats! Now, I go between being a seats lady and a GM lady. I love to dance and there’s something restrictive about being in seats. I’m usually the one shoving my way up front on the floor. However, it was nice to actually see a show. If you don’t know what I mean, check out the title of this blog again.
I also didn’t realize the show was actually four bands; Cracker, Big Head Todd and the Monsters, Blues Traveler, and BNL. So, as always, the main act didn’t actually play until 10:00!!! Of course, Jen and I got there totally on time when the venue was only a quarter full. For the first two acts we barely even cheered. There was just no energy. Normally, I’ll feed off my friends and I don’t care what others think but it was pretty obvious Jen did care and I didn’t want to embarrass her. At one point, she noted how the crowed was full of people dressed in aqua and pink. Well, much of the pink was actually faded burnt orange, but still. Apparently she’s used to crowds of black. Sometimes I have a hard time telling if she’s happy to be here or not. I’m wondering how long she’s going to wait around for people to judge her. We’re all too busy having fun to worry about that shit.
Big Head Todd was really good and I would totally see them again. I wish that I had gotten into their show a little more. I didn’t know any of their songs which made it difficult. They were awesome for having such a short set. The highlight was when they busted out a blues version of LMAFO’s Sexy and I Know It.
Blues Traveler was really good too even though I’m not a huge fan of their music. It’s totally Austin style and I wanted to dance. I don’t know why, but I let the fact that Jen didn’t like them affect how much I got into the show. That and dancing was just difficult from our seats. I think if we’d been on the floor I would have danced anyway.
Finally the Barenaked ladies were awesome as usual. For them I didn’t sit, I stood behind my chair and danced the whole set. I wish I had moved up to the front of the balcony because those seats remained empty the whole show. They stared out with a rap about a meat coma from Lambert’s and ended with a montage of current hits; including Pit Bull, Rhianna, LMAFO, and Katie Parry. It was a really good time. The videos below are not mine but are better quality than the ones I got. So thanks Ktflisa!
At the end of the show, this completely drunk girl offered me an autographed photo she’s gotten earlier in the day at a meet-and-great. She said her boyfriend took her but she didn’t care for BNL so she thought a true fan should have it. Score!
Normal?
I finally felt a little piece of normalcy today; whatever that means. Maybe there will just be a new normal since it’s been so long since the old normal. The new normal certainly doesn’t have Brian traveling to Malaysia twice in two months or me working 55-hours a week. I’m still getting used to new the normal not having a Fozzy Bear. That one still kills me.
But today, it was just Brian and I in the house. That has not happened in a very long time. Of course, we did nothing together. Brian watched Battlestar and I watched the penultimate day of the tour but it felt normal again. Brian gets on a plane in 4-hours so it’s short lived but it’s hope.
Wow, this kind of turned into a downer. The reality is that I’m just tired; very, very tired. I know something has to give but I’m unwilling to give anything up. It’s a constant balancing act.
The ride today was a risk. It was meant to be a sprinting and attacking drill but when we all showed up, most of the crew looked worse than I did. In the end, we split from Kim, who wasn’t extremely attached to the workout anyway, and did a much chilled 3-hours. By “chilled†I mean 17mph instead of 18.5mph. It was pretty conversational and we got to see the F1-Track progress.
Driveway 7/12 – 5th
I kept saying I was going to do race reports and never did but I need to do this one. I always have a hard time lining up and I know I always feel great at the end; no matter how I finish. In fact, I relay on that feeling at the end, it’s the only thing that keeps me going. This week was VERY tough at work and at home and I almost didn’t race this week but I told myself how great I feel at the end and that got me there.
I stated warming up and tracking down my friends. I didn’t think I had any teammates so I just look for the girls I know and love who I’ve raced with for a long time. This week I noted that there were quite a few Colavita girls. They are strong racers and actually attack so I marked them early on.
On the second lap, Karla put in a strong attack that had me at 202bpm. I stayed with her though and the pack caught us quickly as nobody else was ready to work. There was a flat on lap three that broke things up and distracted us. The Colavita team used this as an opportunity to get a girl off the front with two juniors. It was a great attack that most people didn’t even notice. I chased my ass off for over a lap but every time I started chasing, Karla would work to get in front of me, cut my wheel, then slow down. She and the other girl continuously worked to impede our progress. They almost caused multiple crashes and at one point, I had to put my foot down to avoid crashing when they slowed abruptly at the top of the hill.
After this race, I’m having a hard time motivating myself to get back out there. The worst thing was that they denied that they were blocking to my face. I have never felt worst after a race.
Pretentious white-people book-nerd rock
I would love to say that I’m back and that I will now give this blog the time it deserves but I know that’s a lie. I often ask myself whether it’s better to live life or remember it. I have had too much life to live lately and have not had time to document the amazing things that have happened to me.
I have struggled with the form this blog should take on. I often find myself thinking about this blog as “snapshots†occur in my life. These snapshots are just small events that I think are worth mentioning. I would love to take a photo to go with each of these moments but sometimes a photo couldn’t even capture the moment and sometimes the moment moves to quickly.
Wednesday was “pretentious white-people book nerd rock†day. After a miserable ride on Saturday I showed up for a 75-mile extravaganza. I was pretty nervous about being able to hang. It was a good ride but very hard. I did make it to the end. After the ride, a few of us were hanging out at MJ’s when the following conversation takes place.
Jana: I could do without this music.
Vanessa: I like this song.
Jana: You know what this is? This is pretentious white-people music… No, this is pretentious white-people book-nerd rock.
Kate: What?
Jana: You know, like the Decemberists
Me: Ohh, or the Shins.
Jana: Yes, definitely the shins
Kate: I like the Shins!
Georgetown Grand – W4 Race
The W4 race at Georgetown grand was an exercise in how not to race. I wasn’t expecting to win the race but I was expecting to do pretty well and thought I had a good chance at the podium. I was worried that if I over-thought it or got myself stressed out, then I wouldn’t do well. Unfortunately, I went a little too far in the other direction. I did almost no prep for this race. I looked up directions just before going to bed, I got lost on the way up there because I didn’t look up where to park, and then I had no idea how to get to registration. I also left later than I should have because I felt groggy.
By the time I finally got to registration I was flustered and that’s when things really went downhill. I lost my car keys twice. Once when I left them at registration and once when I left them with the ice guy. I spent countless minutes running around in flip-flops trying to find them. When I say running, I mean full out on cold legs (huge mistake here). Finally, two lost keys, and extra pair of sunglasses, and 1 heart rate monitor later, I was finally warming-up. Yup, all 15-minutes of warm up.
The first lap was difficult but bearable. One very strong girl went off the front early in the first lap and the rest of us chased. I focused mostly on position and not getting gapped. On the second lap, there was one girl in between us and the lead girl. I can’t say if we were catching the second girl or not. I had gone to the front to drive because I was worried about the small chase group getting caught and I wanted to catch the second girl at least! I feel like we were catching her but I also know I didn’t see or hear the crash so she must have had a decent gap. We came up to corner 7 right as she crashed out.
After that, it was just the 7 of us chasing the lead. Of course, I didn’t know how big a gap we had on the pack so I kept trying to get us to work together. Looking back, I really should have attacked. The girls were hopeless. They had no concept of taking turns on the front and when they did pull, they treated it like an attack so that we were always speeding up or slowing down. We were never steady. Somewhere around 17-minutes in, I cramped hard in both calves coming around corner 5 (remember all that running I did earlier?). The rest of the race was spent trying to stretch them out on the saddle to prepare for the sprint. There were times that it felt like we were going so slow! I tell myself that if I hadn’t cramped I could have attacked more. Who knows if this is true. It’s amazing the way your mind twists things once the race is over. Looking at my HR profile, I didn’t have much wiggle room.
When we came into the final turn, I had good position and was feeling strong; outside of the cramping. We separated and kicked out of the turn and up the one rise on the course. I’ve sprinted trough a calf pull before so I wasn’t worried. This ended up being a long sprint! Actually, it was about 270m of sprint. I would have backed off and then kicked closer to the finish, but my calf cramped so hard up that hill that my toes curled and would not uncurl. Not only did I not pass the two girl I should have, but two more passed me! 6th overall. Not the result I wanted and I hate that it came down to good preparation, not training.
Sleep Deprivation
Today was a total loss. First, I was completely exhausted from not sleeping well on Monday night then having to stay up late to pick Brian up at the airport Tuesday. It was a very long two days I just couldn’t seem to break out of the sleep deprived daze today. I kept telling myself that I would go downstairs and take a nap and that would fix everything but then I just couldn’t do it. I needed more than a nap. I needed to go home and get in bed. I needed Olympic level sleeping.
Also, for some reason my coach didn’t give me any workouts this week. At first I thought it was just because I had already filled a few things in, like our clinic on Tuesday. This morning I realized there was no sign that he’s looked at my account at all. I’m not sure if my expectations are too high or what but I continue to have this issue with my coaches. The one thing I ask, the only thing really, is that I know what I’m supposed to be doing more than 24-hours in advance! I ended up sending an email to him asking what I was supposed to do today.
In the end, I wasn’t able to do his workout anyway because I was way too tired. I opted for a lower intensity workout instead. I wasn’t able to get out of the house until after dinner because I had to take a nap before I could ride. It was 7:30 before I headed out and that meant I wasn’t back in the house until almost 9:00. The result is that it’s 9:30 and I am not in bed so the sleep deprivation cycle continues. It’s sometimes stunning how easy it is to fuck up really simple things like going to bed on time.
I’m supposed to race the driveway tomorrow if I feel better. Here’s to hoping I sleep well for once.
Reincarnation
Well, I think I can officially declare this blog dead. I hope to reincarnate it but I can’t figure out what it needs to be. I had tried to copy many of the blogs that I love and that completely failed. What I love about most blogs is that they write about a topic I am interested in. I think the real issue with this is that I don’t think I’m interesting at all. I have been giving thought to what makes me different. This year I have really started training and racing again and I think this blog will become the chronicles of a career cat W4. There’s a trick to training, working, and balancing life. I won’t talk about work or family except in the affect it has on my training. I’m hoping to get a GoPro so that I can post ride and race video too. So, Welcome back to life Blog!
This weekends training plan called for one 3-4 hour group ride. I had to pick Saturday or Sunday. Saturdays ride was a bit mysterious. It was leading a “charity ride” out of the shop. SG and KS were signed up to lead it. The ride was supposed to be only 40-ish miles but they were going to add more. Winds were out of the north and I had a hankering to do the Hutto route. I got SG’s text about adding more too late and ended up not going. Sunday’s option was for 54 or 63-miles but it was west, around the damn, and I hate that route. Not only that, but KP was the leader and I was not looking forward to that. My expectation was that only 3-4 people would show up, since it was mothers day, and I would get beat up. I was surprised to find that 9 women showed up and only 3 of them were planning on doing the full 63-miles.
The day could not have been better and, under different circumstances, I would have loved to do the full 63-miles. The ride was very difficult and we went hard from the start with no warmup. I tried not to pull on the front for too long, especially once the wind picked up. I was happy that I was mid-pack when we went up the damn-hill but I hated how we all broke up and looked pretty random compared to our normal semi-pro double paceline. I also feel like I missed out on some great conversation because nobody was talking! On the bright side, it turned out Saturday only a few kids were on the ride so it was slow and horrible. Of the two, it seems like I picked the right one. After KP split off to do the longer route, everybody agreed that Hutto would have been perfect. That made me feel good.
When I got done with the ride, I was feeling pretty good. It was a gorgeous day and my legs were sore. Heading home, I passed a girl changing a flat. As I passed, I noticed she looked completely defeated. I looped around to check on her and it was a good thing I did because she was out of tubes, C02, and patience. I offered her a ride, 3-miles, back to her car. She was so thankful!! It would have taken her forever to walk her bike back to her car. I love this idea of paying it forward. She was so thankful, I told her someday somebody else would need help and she could just pay it forward. I’m sure she will.
Life is good.
Houdini Bennett
Think have been kind of getting back to normal around the house (sort of, more on that later) so Brian thought it would be good to spend some time with Bennett. I thought taking him to play with Surrey during our board meeting would be perfect. It poured buckets that morning but Kate still said it was cool to bring him.
After a brief greeting, we through them in the backyard to get disastrously muddy. It would be a small price to pay for a happy puppy dog. Meanwhile, Kate and I set to work getting dinner ready for the girls. After about 15-min we heard a crash and the scamper of paws. The dogs were inside! At first I thought Bennett had opened the door because it had a handle doorknob. That is until Kate showed me the knob style that she had and explained he had used his two man-paws and turned it! I really didn’t believe my stupid golden had figured out how to turn a doorknob! We locked the door just in case.
So everybody arrived and we were probably 30-min into our meeting when I hear Kate yell.
   “They’re out! Ohh my God, They’re out!â€
She jumped up and started running to the front door. We all looked to find the two puppies running around the driveway. I rounded up Bennett and Kate got Surrey and we put them back through the gate. Before Kate even took her hand off the latch, Bennett was pushing it up again. I grabbed the latch and held it down, he gave me the stink-eye and pushed with his nose as hard as he could against the latch. Finally, we decided the laundry room was the best place for these two.
I apologized endlessly to Kate for the trouble. Looks like I have a lot to learn about Bennett.
Saying Goodbye
 Dear Fozzy,
You gave me so many happy times and, yet, with each one was a sadness that someday I would have to let you go. As the years went by, I knew we were coming closer and closer to that day. When we came home from the vet that Tuesday afternoon I was completely empty. I knew that you were in pain and letting you go was the right decision but I couldn’t face my life without you. I never knew what a void you filled.
That night I cried endlessly. I hated waking up and not having your face in mine; reminding me it was time for puppy breakfast. My life moved forward, even when I was not with it. I went to work and I rode my bike but my heart was not in it. My heart was with you. Those first days I had a crisis at work and escaped into my work like a drug. I was ashamed at how much I tried not to think about you but remembering brought so much pain and tears.
After a few days, the pain subsided and felt myself healing. Healing is a curious thing. It feels much like forgetting and I began to worry that I was forgetting you and all the years of joy you brought me. I found myself flipping through photos of you and trying to remember all the memorable stories, all the things that were uniquely Fozzy, and even how your head would stretch up when I scratched under your chin in that way you loved.
I wonder what you thought those last days. I wonder if you really wanted relief in the way we project on to you. I wonder if you knew how painful letting you go was for us and I wonder if it made you feel sad. I wonder if you were scared.
I hated that I couldn’t tell you how amazing you were and how much you meant to us. You were not an easy dog at times but we always made it work. All I could do was pet you and feed you and hope.
Love,
Mom
Fozzy Bear: Early 2003 – March 13th 2012
I totally meant to write my thoughts down the night we said goodbye. I hate how life pulls at you sometimes when you least need it. I ended up working late Tuesday and Wednesday night. It upsets me that I wasn’t able to take the time when he was closest to my heart. I’m just now at a point that I can think of him and not break out crying. In some ways, that makes me more sad.
It’s been a while since I gave an update on the situation so I suppose I should take a moment to recap Fozzy’s last weeks with us. The two weeks after the surgery were horrific. Knowing what I know now, I probably would not have put him through it. He adapted very well to being on three legs. The problem was that the stump itself was extremely painful. The vet thought the swelling might have tweaked a nerve or something. Bottom line, if anything touched his stump he would squeal and writhe in pain for up to 5-minutes. For a time I hated myself for doing this to him.
At two weeks, we took him back to get his sutures taken out. When we picked him up, he was a brand new dog. The stump didn’t hurt anymore and he was better about getting around because he wasn’t as scared of falling. He did have huge problems getting traction on the floor and eventually we resigned ourselves to making him wear a bootie.
Just about the time we got the diagnosis Fozzy started to lose energy again. He would get into bed and not want to move. We wondered if it was time and were very frustrated that it had been 3-weeks since the surgery and we still had no idea what his prognosis was.
When we got the diagnosis of osteosarcoma a few weeks later it was devastating. We took him to our vet instead of the specialist to get his opinion of the splenetic tumor and talk about what his last week’s would be like. Our vet suspected part of his lethargy was due to arthritis and put him on an NSAID. We saw a huge difference immediately. It was great to see our hoppy puppy again. He would even hop around the dinner table, pacing for food like he used to. It was fantastic. For a few weeks, I felt relief that I would have him for a little bit longer.
Then, just like that, something cha
nged. Fozzy stopped wanting to move around. He was obviously in pain but we didn’t know what was wrong. He had lost a ton of weight and we were supplementing his meals with peanut butter sandwiches. We thought maybe it was just his arthritis again but increasing his NSAID dose did nothing. His leg would shake when he stood and he would fall sometimes. He was also having a very difficult time using the restroom. It was only three bad days but we knew. He would give us this look whenever he had to get out of bed and we just knew he needed it to end.
As sad as I am, I am so thankful for the last days I was able to spend saying goodbye. Fozzy loved being near us more than anything in the worlds so we setup a little sitting area out of pillows and we would read or do work right next to him so he could get as much petting and love as possible.
The next two days the house just felt empty. My heart ached and I had a constant feeling as if I was missing something. When MacKenzie died, I cried because I felt helpless and guilty. I thought I would never love Fozzy as much as I loved her. She was such a personality. I was so surprised to find that Fozzy blossomed and filled our whole house. Now that presence is gone and I find that I have a hard time believing I’ll every love Bennett like I loved Fozzy. Maybe, but maybe I’ll be surprised.