Archive for the ‘Accident’ Tag
Almost Home – 6 months post accident
The appointment with the surgeon went so well today that I was in and out in 10 minutes. After 3-months, I was greeted by statements of awe at how good I looked. It looked like nothing had ever happened. So now I get to decide if I will spend my one year anniversary of the accident getting my hardware removed. It had seemed that this was over but it appears one of the screws has poked through a little bit more than they thought and might be the cause of the medial pain I’ve been having.
The back-doctor’s office also called to get the final 6-month X-rays. My back feels pretty good but I am concerned about the extreme tightness I have when I ride. the last thing I want to think is that I may never be comfortable on the bike again. I think I just need to spend more time taking care of myself.
Moving Forward on a New Bike
Today was really daunting. The only upside to the day was that I did my last physical therapy session until my follow-u pin 4-weeks when I will likely graduate. Things still aren’t perfect though and I know I have alot of work to do on my own. Even as my therapist was telling me how great I was doing I kept thinking that she didn’t know what I was capable of before the accident.
The sun came out today for the first time in eight days. As I was driving home, I was thinking about how I would actually ride my bike tomorrow; on open roads. I’m not afraid of riding in traffic but I am a little afraid to go out on my own again. I don’t think it’s because I’m afraid of getting hit (though I’d be naive if I thought those feelings weren’t there). I feel like I just afraid it won’t be the same. That I won’t be fast and I won’t love it. That I’ll find something wrong with my bike. There are a million what ifs and I’m afraid of all of them right now. I’m afraid of hurting myself or not being able to make it home. I’m afraid because I just don’t know.
First Signs of Normalcy
It always seems that I lose my desire to write when important things happen. Monday I started walking, completely. I had been sort of hobbling here and there for short distances but always with the hesitation that I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to be. When I saw the surgeon on Monday he was adamant that I start walking and get back to normal. It was amazing to hear and, just like that, I was walking. It seems like since then everything has progressed very quickly. My PT did another evaluation and this one showed that in 1-week, my squat tolerance increased by 50%. She pushed me pretty hard yesterday and today I’m actually sore like I worked out.
I had planned to meet Sheri at the gym today but when I got there, I wasn’t really sure what to do. We got on the spin bikes for a while but I really don’t like the way those spin bikes fit so we didn’t stay on that long. I didn’t want to do any leg press because I was so sore from yesterday and I felt really stupid doing balance stuff that I could have done in my office. In the end, I walked around and did almost nothing. Probably the best part was the half a mile walk to and from the gym. It’s easier to say it’s going to be baby steps than it is to understand what that means.
Holiday Party and More Rehab Stuff
On Friday Brian and I attended my company’s holiday party. The theme was “The Roaring 20’sâ€. I was so excited I actually bought a dress for it. We sat with my team this year which was good. I have kind of avoided them in the past because I haven’t felt like forming relationships with them but this year I felt like I could bridge that personal barrier. The wives were all really cool and it made me feel even better that we sat there. We ended up leaving early because Brian didn’t want to stay and I couldn’t exactly do much.
Over the weekend I upped my game on the spin bike. I was supposed to limit myself to 45min of spinning a day. She had recommended 15-min 3-times a day but I wanted to do 4-times a day. I told her I was doing 11-min 4-times a day and she recommended that I do 15-min 3-times a day then move to 18-min 3-times a day. Since I was actually already doing 15-min 4-times a day, I upped it to 20-min 4-times a day. This might have been pushing it, but I always looked for signs and I did slow down or make it easier if I needed to.
Tomorrow I see the ortho again and I’m going to push for an MRI. I’m really concerned that if I have an MCL tear, I could be in rehab for it for a long time when prolotherepy is an option. I’m also really concerned that my knee is clicking too much. She keeps saying this will go away as I get stronger but I can’t get stronger because my knee clicks anytime I try to do anything. I’m very frustrated.
Rehab Update
Today marks three months since the accident. I have to admit, I had high hopes for this time. I sort of saw myself getting back to normal workouts (ie longer than 15min) on the bike. I knew that I would be back on the bike before I was walking so I’m not really disappointed there, but I thought I might be closer to walking. I didn’t think I would still require crutches.
Wednesday I had the evaluation on my back. Everything checked out except that I have some mean trigger points. I’ll need to work on my back with the ball and stretch alot. Since we had some time left, she went ahead and measured my one-legged squat tolerance. I came in at 30% of my body weight. That’s double what it was 4 weeks ago. If I gain 15% every 4 weeks, I’ll be at 100% in 19 more weeks. If It doubles every 4-weeks, then I’ll be at 100% in about 6-weeks. If it’s exponential, then who knows :). She also realized, based on those results, that she had my two-legged squat way to easy. She had been pretty conservative about estimating my progress I guess. I think because I’m still having trouble with “clicking” on the reformer. It’s interesting that the two machines cause such different reactions in my knee.
Today I try walking again and I’m hopeful that I do much better having not trounced around the city for 3 hours on a cane two days before :). I’m also hoping she’ll clear me for more “serious” cycling so that I can start using PH during the week.
Christmas Tree Lighting Stroll and a Pity-Party of 1
I’m home sick today because last night I almost vomited and felt sick to my stomach all night. I tossed and turned and only got a few hours sleep. Even though I know it’s a legitimate sick day, I still feel guilty. I’m trying to work from home but don’t feel very motivated because I’m tired and I still feel pretty ill.
Lately I’ve turned into a big pity-party. This last week, our self evaluations were due. These things always make me feel but this time it came right after getting off short term disability so I wasn’t feeling that I had really contributed or hit my deadlines very well. I didn’t mention my accident anywhere because I don’t believe in excuses but the whole time I’m thinking “I got hit by a fucking truck!!â€.
I’ve also been feeling down about my progress. We’re approaching Christmas and I definitely had high hopes for traveling. It looks like I will not be walking at all and will still be on crutches. I can’t carry my own baggage so we’ll have to pay to check my bags. Last weekend I thought things were feeling pretty good and my PT had plans for me to try walking on Monday. I got over confident and went on the “Christmas Tree Lighting Stroll†with Jessica. I knew when I talked to her I wouldn’t be able to keep up. I couldn’t use the crutches because they are too clunky and people run into them. It had to be cane or nothing. I told her I would be too slow and I should have known to just say no. She swore it wouldn’t be a problem because we were talking about a “strollâ€. Even strolling was about twice as fast as I was capable of. When I went into the PT appointment on Monday, my leg was still very irritated and tender from over using it. They had to remove 45lbs of weight before I even started to walk without pain. I came home very discouraged.
For Christmas all I want is my life back. I miss the simple things like putting dishes away, walking to get hot chocolate, walking my dogs, and of course riding my bike. Every day I am faces with more and more things that I can’t do and I don’t know when I will be able to do them. I have been able to keep my eyes towards my accomplishments until now. Now all I can see is my limitations.
The Road to Recovery
I’ve had 10 weeks to start looking into what my recovery is going to look like. I think that, regardless of the injury, when you’re NWB for more than 8-weeks recovery is going to be difficult. What amazed me was the range of recovery stories. Some people were able to walk unaided after 2-weeks and some people weren’t able to lose the cane for months. I realize everybody’s body is different but it would have helped to understand what some of the barriers were for those people who took longer to recover.
My recovery story starts with another bout of bad physical therapy instructions. I was so proud of myself for taking the time to repeat the doctor’s instructions for confirmation and then even giving examples of what would be and wouldn’t be acceptable. The doctor was very clear that he wanted me to do strength building until the brace was off and then I could try walking. I thought it was absolutely absurd that he would make a decision about my care without even consulting the other doctor, but I didn’t argue because I doubted I would have the strength to walk before then anyway. However, when I submitted my prescription to the PT office, they found that the doctor had written NWB for two weeks. So I explained the conversation I had and how I was so specific in my questions. She also couldn’t understand why they would prescribe me PT when I couldn’t do anything and why my leg doctor would be concerned about my back. Luckily, she opted to continue our therapy as originally discussed rather than per the script. I was so confident that I had the orders correct that I called the office to get clarification. They still wouldn’t admit they made a mistake and continued to tell me that I couldn’t weight-bear until I got the brace off. Ridiculous since my back doctor told me he thought walking would be good for me!
So, my initial consultation was spent discussing my injury and the therapy I would receive then performing an evaluation of my current condition. I check out pretty good on most categories and exceptionally well on range of motion. The scale was the only test that really through me for a loop. I was shocked to find out I now weighted 99lbs (with shoes on)! Also, when I put only my bad leg on the scale and transferred weight, I found that I felt balanced with only 10lbs of weight on my leg and couldn’t put more than 35lbs without pain. We moved to the tail-gaiter and then did some squat-presses on the lowest level. It was amazing how week I was and how much my body creaked. She explained that we would work on exercises that encouraged bone growth and healing of the cartilage in the joint. I was discouraged by how little I could do.
My appointment today went better. I felt I was able to do more comfortably. I did tail-gaiter, squat-press with balance disks, glut-med lifts, Pilates-reformer, squat-press, then tail-gaiter again. By the end of the last squat-press, my left leg was shaking a little. I hope all of this is normal and I couldn’t imagine starting 2.5-weeks later than I already have.
The Day of the WB Appointment
If you had told 10-weeks ago that I would go 10-weeks without being on a bike I would have had a panic attack. I probably would have come close to having a heart attack if you have hinted at any more than two weeks off the bike. Today I got on the bike for the first time in 9-weeks and 3-days and it was only a spin bike on the easiest setting for 30-minutes. I miss being on the bike but I know I’ll survive and I know I’ll get back. I’m in no hurry to rush it and know I have a long recovery ahead of me. While I do feel there are many things I missed out on during this time, I also think this has given me a chance to gain perspective. I don’t know how long it will be before I’m obsessed with the bike again. Who knows, maybe I will keep perspective and make room for other priorities in my life. Either way, I believe I will come out of this experience a happier, more well-rounded person.
So when I finally had my appointment I was ready for the worst. The doctor hung up my X-ray and asked me how I was feeling. I just started rambling. I mentioned the pain on the inside of my knee but that it feels much better than it did; blah, blah, blah. He finally interrupted me and asked more about the pain. He bent my knee to the side, which didn’t hurt. He then checked my ACL, which was strange but yielded good results. Turns out it is either my MCL or a meniscus tear. If it’s a meniscus tear I will likely need arthroscopic surgery again. He also asked me how it felt when I walked on it, which made me do a double take. Apparently he has a different post-op plan for patients. Finally, I asked him about the X-rays and he said they were fine. I left feeling a weight lifted and ready to start physical therapy. What was surprising is that I had no desire to actually try any weight-bearing until I started physical therapy. I think I finally realize that my body has limitations.
Anxiety over the Upcoming Appointment
I feel like my life has been dominated by my injury. As much as I hate to write about it *again* I simply don’t think of much else. Thursday I had my follow-up with the back doctor. It always amazes me how different the instructions sound from the nurse than from the doctor. All of the strictness in the nurse’s instructions were all but laughed off by the doctor. He was fully aware that the second X-rays were taken with without the brace. He was fine that I didn’t wear it when I was up for something quick. I hate how vague the instructions are. He told me I could skip wearing the brace when I wake up to use the restroom as he was walking out of the office at the end of the appointment. It’s frustrating that the instructions aren’t written down every time.
So now I’m approaching the 10-week follow-up for my leg and, of course, now I’m analyzing all of the ways I could have screwed up my recovery. My post-op instructions said “non-weight-bearing†and “follow-up in 2-weeksâ€. At the two week apt I received no instructions. I was given a brace after the surgery that I was also given no instructions on. The nurse told me I didn’t have to wear it while sleeping but never said when or why I did have to wear it. The assumption is when I’m not sleeping but what about if I’m lying down? What if I turn a lot in my sleep? What if I sleep on my side? Since my 2-week follow-up I found post-op instructions from other hospitals and these instructions are far more restrictive than what I’ve been doing. One specified that the brace could not be removed, even while sleeping, until after 6-weeks. Again, if my surgery did not heal correctly it will be because I never received proper instructions and that is extremely frustrating. So now I go into this appointment completely worried and thinking there is a chance that I might have to have surgery again. I know it’s not common but it’s possible and I just don’t know.
Accident Prone at the Paella Festival
Two days ago, this would have been a post about how horrible my doctor is and how he isn’t really evaluating my individual progress. I have a hard time writing that post now because I have not been a good patient and may have totally messed my knee up.
The story starts on Thursday when I first started calling the doctor’s office to find out about the results of my back X-rays. I was so confident based on how I felt and based on the conversation we had at my first follow-up that I actually stopped wearing the brace. I was shocked when the nurse called to give me instructions that the X-rays look good but that I’m still to wear the brace for 4-weeks more then have the X-rays taken again without my brace. This is the part that kills me because her instructions were very clear that I was only to remove the brace for the brief period when they take the X-rays but the doctor told me I didn’t have to wear the brace for short periods like when I wake up at night to use the bathroom. The icing on the cake is that I wasn’t wearing the brace in the last set of X-rays because I assumed that if I can walk to the bathroom, I can stand for 5-minutes without the brace on. I had a minor tantrum when I heard what she had to say. After I calmed down, I called her back and told her I wanted an appointment with the doctor. It’s amazing how guilty you feel, like you’re going to get into trouble for doing something wrong. I should have been up front right away but it was obvious that she had no idea what he had told me before and it would have turned into he-said, she-said.
So after that drama, I end up having to wear my brace at the paella festival. The festival was so much fun, but since I couldn’t get my own food, I ended up not getting much food at all. I should have had people get two plates to make sure that I got a whole plate of food but it just didn’t happen. So even though I didn’t drink a whole lot, I ended up quite tipsy. After it got dark, I made the mistake of trying to “run†after Sheri and tripped on a blanket. I tried to save it for a few seconds and ended up going down on my ass. Just before I went down I instinctively tried to use my left leg for balance. I have no idea how hard I put my leg down but I know it wasn’t good. It didn’t hurt except for that pins-and-needles feeling from not having stepped on your foot in a while. I still felt horrible and totally know that it may mean that the bone has shifted slightly. The worst part is that I fell again trying to get out of the truck into Tammy’s house. I got out too close to the curb where there was a steep incline and had to use my left leg to keep from face-planting forward. I was a complete disaster and it felt like I had no regard for my health. I am hoping for the best but I know that I put some weight on my leg before the 10-weeks was up and that could have a very bad outcome.
I couldn’t sleep last night with all of this swirling around in my head. I felt stupid and juvenile but mostly selfish and overconfident. Stephen ended up having to carry me to my car because I just couldn’t see well enough to place my crutches. It’s completely embarrassing. There are days I just want to crawl under a rock, today is one of those.