The View from 58-inches High

The appointment with the surgeon went so well today that I was in and out in 10 minutes. After 3-months, I was greeted by statements of awe at how good I looked. It looked like nothing had ever happened. So now I get to decide if I will spend my one year anniversary of the accident getting my hardware removed. It had seemed that this was over but it appears one of the screws has poked through a little bit more than they thought and might be the cause of the medial pain I’ve been having.

The back-doctor’s office also called to get the final 6-month X-rays. My back feels pretty good but I am concerned about the extreme tightness I have when I ride. the last thing I want to think is that I may never be comfortable on the bike again. I think I just need to spend more time taking care of myself.

On Friday Brian and I attended my company’s holiday party. The theme was “The Roaring 20’s”. I was so excited I actually bought a dress for it. We sat with my team this year which was good. I have kind of avoided them in the past because I haven’t felt like forming relationships with them but this year I felt like I could bridge that personal barrier. The wives were all really cool and it made me feel even better that we sat there. We ended up leaving early because Brian didn’t want to stay and I couldn’t exactly do much.

Over the weekend I upped my game on the spin bike. I was supposed to limit myself to 45min of spinning a day. She had recommended 15-min 3-times a day but I wanted to do 4-times a day. I told her I was doing 11-min 4-times a day and she recommended that I do 15-min 3-times a day then move to 18-min 3-times a day. Since I was actually already doing 15-min 4-times a day, I upped it to 20-min 4-times a day. This might have been pushing it, but I always looked for signs and I did slow down or make it easier if I needed to.

Tomorrow I see the ortho again and I’m going to push for an MRI. I’m really concerned that if I have an MCL tear, I could be in rehab for it for a long time when prolotherepy is an option. I’m also really concerned that my knee is clicking too much. She keeps saying this will go away as I get stronger but I can’t get stronger because my knee clicks anytime I try to do anything. I’m very frustrated.

Today marks three months since the accident. I have to admit, I had high hopes for this time. I sort of saw myself getting back to normal workouts (ie longer than 15min) on the bike. I knew that I would be back on the bike before I was walking so I’m not really disappointed there, but I thought I might be closer to walking. I didn’t think I would still require crutches.

Wednesday I had the evaluation on my back. Everything checked out except that I have some mean trigger points. I’ll need to work on my back with the ball and stretch alot. Since we had some time left, she went ahead and measured my one-legged squat tolerance. I came in at 30% of my body weight. That’s double what it was 4 weeks ago. If I gain 15% every 4 weeks, I’ll be at 100% in 19 more weeks. If It doubles every 4-weeks, then I’ll be at 100% in about 6-weeks. If it’s exponential, then who knows :). She also realized, based on those results, that she had my two-legged squat way to easy. She had been pretty conservative about estimating my progress I guess. I think because I’m still having trouble with “clicking” on the reformer. It’s interesting that the two machines cause such different reactions in my knee.

Today I try walking again and I’m hopeful that I do much better having not trounced around the city for 3 hours on a cane two days before :). I’m also hoping she’ll clear me for more “serious” cycling so that I can start using PH during the week.

I’m home sick today because last night I almost vomited and felt sick to my stomach all night. I tossed and turned and only got a few hours sleep. Even though I know it’s a legitimate sick day, I still feel guilty. I’m trying to work from home but don’t feel very motivated because I’m tired and I still feel pretty ill.

Lately I’ve turned into a big pity-party. This last week, our self evaluations were due. These things always make me feel but this time it came right after getting off short term disability so I wasn’t feeling that I had really contributed or hit my deadlines very well. I didn’t mention my accident anywhere because I don’t believe in excuses but the whole time I’m thinking “I got hit by a fucking truck!!”.

I’ve also been feeling down about my progress. We’re approaching Christmas and I definitely had high hopes for traveling. It looks like I will not be walking at all and will still be on crutches. I can’t carry my own baggage so we’ll have to pay to check my bags. Last weekend I thought things were feeling pretty good and my PT had plans for me to try walking on Monday. I got over confident and went on the “Christmas Tree Lighting Stroll” with Jessica. I knew when I talked to her I wouldn’t be able to keep up. I couldn’t use the crutches because they are too clunky and people run into them. It had to be cane or nothing. I told her I would be too slow and I should have known to just say no. She swore it wouldn’t be a problem because we were talking about a “stroll”. Even strolling was about twice as fast as I was capable of. When I went into the PT appointment on Monday, my leg was still very irritated and tender from over using it. They had to remove 45lbs of weight before I even started to walk without pain. I came home very discouraged.

For Christmas all I want is my life back. I miss the simple things like putting dishes away, walking to get hot chocolate, walking my dogs, and of course riding my bike. Every day I am faces with more and more things that I can’t do and I don’t know when I will be able to do them. I have been able to keep my eyes towards my accomplishments until now. Now all I can see is my limitations.

I’ve had 10 weeks to start looking into what my recovery is going to look like. I think that, regardless of the injury, when you’re NWB for more than 8-weeks recovery is going to be difficult. What amazed me was the range of recovery stories. Some people were able to walk unaided after 2-weeks and some people weren’t able to lose the cane for months. I realize everybody’s body is different but it would have helped to understand what some of the barriers were for those people who took longer to recover.

My recovery story starts with another bout of bad physical therapy instructions. I was so proud of myself for taking the time to repeat the doctor’s instructions for confirmation and then even giving examples of what would be and wouldn’t be acceptable. The doctor was very clear that he wanted me to do strength building until the brace was off and then I could try walking. I thought it was absolutely absurd that he would make a decision about my care without even consulting the other doctor, but I didn’t argue because I doubted I would have the strength to walk before then anyway. However, when I submitted my prescription to the PT office, they found that the doctor had written NWB for two weeks. So I explained the conversation I had and how I was so specific in my questions. She also couldn’t understand why they would prescribe me PT when I couldn’t do anything and why my leg doctor would be concerned about my back. Luckily, she opted to continue our therapy as originally discussed rather than per the script. I was so confident that I had the orders correct that I called the office to get clarification. They still wouldn’t admit they made a mistake and continued to tell me that I couldn’t weight-bear until I got the brace off. Ridiculous since my back doctor told me he thought walking would be good for me!

So, my initial consultation was spent discussing my injury and the therapy I would receive then performing an evaluation of my current condition. I check out pretty good on most categories and exceptionally well on range of motion. The scale was the only test that really through me for a loop. I was shocked to find out I now weighted 99lbs (with shoes on)! Also, when I put only my bad leg on the scale and transferred weight, I found that I felt balanced with only 10lbs of weight on my leg and couldn’t put more than 35lbs without pain. We moved to the tail-gaiter and then did some squat-presses on the lowest level. It was amazing how week I was and how much my body creaked. She explained that we would work on exercises that encouraged bone growth and healing of the cartilage in the joint. I was discouraged by how little I could do.

My appointment today went better. I felt I was able to do more comfortably. I did tail-gaiter, squat-press with balance disks, glut-med lifts, Pilates-reformer, squat-press, then tail-gaiter again. By the end of the last squat-press, my left leg was shaking a little. I hope all of this is normal and I couldn’t imagine starting 2.5-weeks later than I already have.

If you had told 10-weeks ago that I would go 10-weeks without being on a bike I would have had a panic attack. I probably would have come close to having a heart attack if you have hinted at any more than two weeks off the bike. Today I got on the bike for the first time in 9-weeks and 3-days and it was only a spin bike on the easiest setting for 30-minutes. I miss being on the bike but I know I’ll survive and I know I’ll get back. I’m in no hurry to rush it and know I have a long recovery ahead of me. While I do feel there are many things I missed out on during this time, I also think this has given me a chance to gain perspective. I don’t know how long it will be before I’m obsessed with the bike again. Who knows, maybe I will keep perspective and make room for other priorities in my life. Either way, I believe I will come out of this experience a happier, more well-rounded person.

So when I finally had my appointment I was ready for the worst. The doctor hung up my X-ray and asked me how I was feeling. I just started rambling. I mentioned the pain on the inside of my knee but that it feels much better than it did; blah, blah, blah. He finally interrupted me and asked more about the pain. He bent my knee to the side, which didn’t hurt. He then checked my ACL, which was strange but yielded good results. Turns out it is either my MCL or a meniscus tear. If it’s a meniscus tear I will likely need arthroscopic surgery again. He also asked me how it felt when I walked on it, which made me do a double take. Apparently he has a different post-op plan for patients. Finally, I asked him about the X-rays and he said they were fine. I left feeling a weight lifted and ready to start physical therapy. What was surprising is that I had no desire to actually try any weight-bearing until I started physical therapy. I think I finally realize that my body has limitations.