Archive for the ‘stress’ Tag
The Words to Say
There are so many things I would love to write about here but I only seem to find the introspection when I’m not at my computer. By the time I sit down to type, I’m surrounded by distraction and my posts never quite come together. You can imagine my surprise then when my email to Brant turned into a blog post. The purpose of the email was to explain that I had swapped my workout with tomorrows because I wasn’t going to ride my bike today and wanted to do the intervals tomorrow. Instead, I ended up writing the following, which I edited before sending.
Hey, I signed up for pedal hard tomorrow. I’m swapping today’s workout with tomorrow’s because I’m not doing a workout today. I feel fine but I need a break mentally that sitting on a trainer won’t give me. The thought of watching the seconds tick by on my computer while waiting for my ass to go numb is nauseating to me right now. I would love to ride outside but my day passed me by in less than a minute and now it’s cloudy, cold, and miserable. I know that riding in this weather will transform my ride from the distraction I need to just another checkbox. My bike is usually where I go decompress but today just isn’t going to work and I’m not willing to force it.
Just like that, I had more words than I’ve had in months. I hit a wall today. I’ve had a severe pain in my chest for over a week now. I thought I strained something coughing but I swear, if anything it’s gotten worse since my cough went away. I’m pretty sure that Callie has the pee-problem that MacKenzie did. Some days she just pee’s. She’ll do it multiple times a night, wherever she’s sitting, like she has no control over it at all. And this weekend everything went from bad to worse. The latest wafer didn’t yield so I can’t deliver parts to the team, and the qual failure I swore wasn’t a bid deal turned out to be a real failure. On top of all my problems, Jim confirmed that the first failure was actually a big, huge, showstopper. The worst thing though, the thing that completely drained me of my will to do the one thing I love, is that in spite of all of this information my boss said we were still going to launch. These are the days I become Dilbert and face my very own pointer-haired-manager.
The one upside to my day was the email I got from JP an hour ago that powers that be had pulled their heads out of their asses and canceled the launch. Hallelujah and Amen. I have seen the light!
A Week in Review
Wow! I knew it had been a while since I posted but it feels dead here. I’ve gotten a ton of spam comments in the past week but I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a real one. Anybody read this? Life has been work lately, and I don’t like just posting about work here so it’s lead to some blogging down-time. I’m not out of the woods yet with this project but it was an interesting week and I don’t like how lonely this place feels right now.
The Preparation (Last Saturday and Sunday)
I worked some crazy hours the last couple of weeks leading up to first silicon. What is “first silicon” you ask? It’s finals week on crack; with an audience in a small room watching you, and only you take your exams. It’s a big stinking deal. So I worked over 8-hours last weekend. I did get to ride a little but I’ve been limiting myself to 35-mils on Sunday (more on how 35-miles became a limitation later). The week before last I had gotten word that the final part would not be back until late September instead of the original late August date. That was a huge deal that allowed me to keep my weekends to only 8-hours. The look-ahead part was due into the design center on Monday putting it in my hands on Tuesday. I worked tirelessly to get the interface up and running but found myself tripped up by a board design issue and a complete lack of understanding for how long if-statements take to execute. I laid my head down for bed on Sunday night with nothing working and a sense that it was going to be a very difficult week.
The Final Push (Monday)
I worked 14-hours on Monday. At some point I tried to use the mothers-room to rest but couldn’t get over the stress of needing to work. I knew the part was coming and I was still way behind. I had put aside any dreams I had of being able to ride my bike. On top of the anticipation over first silicon arriving, the intern was starting his last week and we were having to deal with his exit; closing out the project, filling out HR paperwork, and helping him with the presentation. It was a very rough day and I was really beat up when I got home.
The Arrival (Tuesday)
I got to work really early hoping to get something done before Barbra came with my box. I knew that I had until about 10:00AM to get something done. I was still having issues getting a consistent pulse-width. Looking back, I can’t believe how stubborn I was. It should have occurred to me early on that slowing down the interface would give me the differentiation I was looking for. The parts arrived very close to 10:00 and I immediately delivered them to the other folks in the team. I tried getting some tips from the girl who writes the apps software but it turns out the designer wrote the firmware. I didn’t want to have to admit to the design team that I was having trouble. I never even put a part in the socket during this time. I didn’t see I reason. I could see from my scope shots that it wouldn’t work. I ended up working another 14-hours.
Desperation (Wednesday)
Wednesday Morning I had a 1:1 with the boss. It was pretty standard except that he asked me if I had powered up the part. I answered yes because I had used the sister part and powered it up so I knew the board wouldn’t smoke (well, more on this and other good engineering practices later) but I hate being dishonest so I decided it was time to start working with the part in the socket. We had a bunch of intern stuff to do on Wednesday so I wasn’t able to get nearly as much done as I’d hoped and by 3:00 I really needed to go home. After two 14-hour days I was making mistakes and I could tell that I wasn’t working effectively. In fact, one major mistake that I stumbled on was the fact that I never actually powered on the part. Yup, you got it. I never actually scoped it to make sure. Type the command and it works, right? The boss had made it very clear that he expected communication to be up by the project review the next morning so I was taking a gamble by leaving early. I had a theory by the person I needed to answer my question was in Singapore so I figured I had to wait anyway. When I got home, I set myself up on the trainer and was actually able to get in a 60-minute spin.
An Unexpected End (Thursday)
I took another gamble and went to DP in morning for our weights session. I ended quickly, stretched on my own and headed out. I was at my desk by 7:15 with the answer I was waiting for sitting in my inbox. I modified the command appropriately and commenced communication. With in 45-minutes I had the handshake working. A few typos and a decent register selection after that and I had communication. The boss and I were emailing status back and forth and he wanted me to bring the good news to the project review. In the end it really wasn’t perceived as that big a deal, and it really wasn’t. Still, it was huge for my boss and I and I felt comfortable letting myself off early for the day. After a meeting, I ended up getting out around 4:30. I stopped off at the Austin Wine Merchant to get myself some bubbly to celebrate my accomplishment. Around 6:00 I rolled into my subdivision and immediately noticed smoke. I thought for a moment that it really could be a bad attempt and a bar-b-q until I rolled down my windows and smelled burning cedars.
I pulled my driveway passed the fire. It didn’t seem big but I knew that looks could be deceiving with brush fires. I parked new the edge of my driveway and called 911. They already had a unit on the way. As I was calling Brain the cedars behind my neighbors house started to go up in flames that shot 50-feet in the air. Brian instructed me to get everything I could out of the house and in the truck in case we had to leave. He was headed out the door to get home and I got to work. The first thing I did was get the front sprinklers going. If embers did come across I didn’t want them hitting dry grass. 15-minutes after that, the car contained all our photos, albums, the safe, my bike, the camera, laptop, and the remote drive. I was drenched in sweat and the fire department had arrived. I had been checking the progress of the fire as I packed, knowing that if it did jump, I would need to go. All our neighbors also had their cars packed and were ready to go. In the end the fire department was able to get it under control and we were not evacuated. Still, it was a very scary night.
It was the wee hours of the morning before the fire department packed it up and went home. I didn’t sleep well and woke up exhausted. I had a goal to ride outside which I knew was going to be a challenge given how tired I was. I did set out but it was sans heart rate monitor, which was really upsetting to me. If you do a ride but your garmin doesn’t record it, did it happen? I got back later than I’d hoped and just couldn’t get myself going. I felt like I brain-bonked (if there is such a thing). I attended out intern presentation at 2:30 then we had happy hour at 4:30. All of a sudden I’m feeling very behind.
Recovery (Saturday)
I couldn’t drag my ass out of bed on Saturday. I rolled out for good around 9:00 and felt like shit. I took Fozzy on a short jog then road my bike around the neighborhood for just over an hour. After lunch I started to feel dizzy, washed out, and exhausted again. I rested and basically pissed the rest of the day away. I went to bed extremely early hoping I would feel ok on the ride the next day.
That Damn Ride (Sunday)
There really is something wrong with me. I can’t believe that I ever thought I would be able to do 70-miles after determining I had no fitness and hardly riding my bike all week. I feel like the other girls make it look so easy. I was actually feeling pretty good most of the ride. The speed really picked up coming up to the store but I thought that would not be the “normal” pace. When we rolled back out of the store I was feeling good. The pace was nice and I was really enjoying myself. I remember going up one of the hills leading up to the damn and thinking we were really pushing it hard up the hill. We evened out again and I started focusing on recovery. It didn’t happen. Though the pace steadied, the damn hill was just in front of us and the pace was not letting up. I just couldn’t breath. My legs burned maybe a little but mostly I just couldn’t breath. My heart was pounding and the sun was beating down on me and I just didn’t care. I didn’t want to be with the group any more.
I pulled out of the pack and found a girl way back that was more than willing to cut it back to 55-miles with me. When we got to the store, Alexis was there with some of the other slower folks. The girl I came in with went into the store to get water. While she was in there, Alexis talked us all into doing the lime creek extension slower. Without thinking, I rolled out with them. My mind kept telling something was wrong. Lucky I listened because we had left the girl at the store! I turned around and sprinted up the hill to the store just in time to see her go through the intersection before the light turned red again. I screened and screamed but she didn’t hear me. The light felt like it took 5-minutes, though my Garmin tells me only 1:20. I got on 60 and time-trialed as hard as I could to get to her. It took my 5-minutes of everything I had all out to finally catch her. then it took me 15 more minutes to figure out where we were going because I didn’t know the route.
By the time I got back I was completely beat up. Catching her had taken alot out of me and I couldn’t seem to recover at all over the rest of the ride. I felt weak and questioned what I was doing this for the entire way back. I just don’t know how to fix this and I concerned that if I don’t figure something out soon, I’ll end up hanging up the bike.
One of those days
Have you ever had one of those days? One of those days where everything is going wrong and, even as you think that it couldn’t get any worse it does.Of Course you have, we all have. Every time I have one of these days, I can’t help but feel like nobody has ever had a day as horrible as mine. Now, lets put this in perspective. I realize that tremendously horrible, life-altering things happen to people all the time. These events are on a completely different scale than what I’m talking about. What I’m talking about are the many little things that, by themselves, would be easily manageable. Combined with a myriad of other, equally unexpected and difficult events, they become completely overwhelming.
So I always end up imagining that nobody’s unmanageable day has ever been as unmanageable as mine. Yesterday was just such a day. I have a hard time imagining that anybody else’s day can possibly trump standing in the pouring rain with a turkey baster full of hydrogen peroxide waiting for you dog to vomit up your $5.00 chocolate bar. All while on a conference call with your coworkers. Yeah, I pull up that image and I’m pretty sure it’s he worst day ever.
I had come home early to make sure Bennett was doing well and that he hadn’t been scratching at his hot spot. I had about 1-hour from the time i got home until my 4:00 conference call. I had planned on using this time to watch the end of the tour and relax. The first thing I noticed when I got home was the bedroom door was open and Fozzy was not coming out to greet me. Then I saw a few pieces of paper shredded on the floor next to the kitchen table. When I walked into the bedroom to scold Fozzy, I saw a ton more paper, shredded on the floor, along with safety pins, earrings, and a stain remover bottle. It looked like the dog had rioted.
At first I thought it was funny and even took a few photos. Then I saw the package shredded in the kitchen. It took me a little while to figure out it was my chocolate bar. My brand new, 8-oz, $5.00 chocolate bar. Now we were talking about something serious. I tracked down the hydrogen peroxide from the last time we had to induce (onion powder I think) and filled up the turkey baster. There’s some formula for how much to give your dog based on their weight but Fozzy is huge and he’s too strong for me to control so I use a whole baster and most of it ends up on the ground.
I administered the first dose and waited. I walked him around the yard to aid in the process. While I was waiting the sky opened up and started to pour on us. It was nice to finally have the rain, but I was soaked and Fozzy wasn’t getting any closer to vomiting. 45-minutes later he still hadn’t vomited and I had a conference call. I figured I could pull up the meeting on my cell phone and stay outside with him.
I called the conference number only to find it wasn’t valid. I had no way of finding out what was going on and how I needed to call in. I didn’t have anybody’s phone number so my only option was to get my laptop and log in so that I could use communicator. I started up my laptop and immediately it crashed hard. I tried waiting for a few minutes before giving up and trying to restart; all outside in the rain so I can keep an eye on Fozzy. I pushed the power button and nothing happened. This thing was crashed hard. I ripped the battery off the back. The whole time that I’m waiting for it to come up I’m imagining that the meeting is moving along without me.
I finally got connected, the rain stopped and the dog vomited so everything was fine in the end. Still it was a bunch of distractions I didn’t need.