Archive for the ‘work’ Tag
The Words to Say
There are so many things I would love to write about here but I only seem to find the introspection when I’m not at my computer. By the time I sit down to type, I’m surrounded by distraction and my posts never quite come together. You can imagine my surprise then when my email to Brant turned into a blog post. The purpose of the email was to explain that I had swapped my workout with tomorrows because I wasn’t going to ride my bike today and wanted to do the intervals tomorrow. Instead, I ended up writing the following, which I edited before sending.
Hey, I signed up for pedal hard tomorrow. I’m swapping today’s workout with tomorrow’s because I’m not doing a workout today. I feel fine but I need a break mentally that sitting on a trainer won’t give me. The thought of watching the seconds tick by on my computer while waiting for my ass to go numb is nauseating to me right now. I would love to ride outside but my day passed me by in less than a minute and now it’s cloudy, cold, and miserable. I know that riding in this weather will transform my ride from the distraction I need to just another checkbox. My bike is usually where I go decompress but today just isn’t going to work and I’m not willing to force it.
Just like that, I had more words than I’ve had in months. I hit a wall today. I’ve had a severe pain in my chest for over a week now. I thought I strained something coughing but I swear, if anything it’s gotten worse since my cough went away. I’m pretty sure that Callie has the pee-problem that MacKenzie did. Some days she just pee’s. She’ll do it multiple times a night, wherever she’s sitting, like she has no control over it at all. And this weekend everything went from bad to worse. The latest wafer didn’t yield so I can’t deliver parts to the team, and the qual failure I swore wasn’t a bid deal turned out to be a real failure. On top of all my problems, Jim confirmed that the first failure was actually a big, huge, showstopper. The worst thing though, the thing that completely drained me of my will to do the one thing I love, is that in spite of all of this information my boss said we were still going to launch. These are the days I become Dilbert and face my very own pointer-haired-manager.
The one upside to my day was the email I got from JP an hour ago that powers that be had pulled their heads out of their asses and canceled the launch. Hallelujah and Amen. I have seen the light!
The Job I Was Never Offered
A few weeks ago my manager made an off statement about me taking his job. I was caught very off guard but was pretty sure he was serious. As our self evaluation cycle came to a close I was pretty sure I would be faced with a decision. So in my weekly meeting my manager says something along the lines of
I need to write some proposals for how this group is going to be structured this year and I need to know where you see your career is headed”
These words strike fear into my heart in a way I can’t explain. I don’t know where my career is headed. I have have no idea what I want. I never do really. I move where I’m needed, I fill holes, I do what nobody else will. I’m not a great technical leader. I’m a master of details and I don’t know how to fail. So where does that leave me. I can’t imagine a day when I won’t know how to open a unix terminal and I can’t imagine a day where I’m a technical master. I don’t know where I fit.
I should be very clear that there is no offer. There are things afoot and proposals to be made. Basically, my manager wants to ensure that if he recommends me, I won’t turn it down. I have a really difficult time picturing myself 5-years from now. Most of the time I have a hard time picturing myself 1-year from now. I don’t feel old enough to handle this level of responsibility and yet I know I’m already doing 50% of the job. My hear